Ugh. I am absolutely, positively freaked out about everything (well, not EVERYTHING) right now. I do not feel "anxious," per se, more like that blank, big-eyed, pale-faced "Oh CRAP!" kind of feeling. Pretty certain that this is a whole new level of anxiety altogether (j/k).
First off... My BABY, the 7lb 1oz tiny newborn, is starting first grade on Monday. She's ready for school (she thinks that she is ready for college), but something about first grade hits me in the gut and knocks the wind out of me. This feeling is contributing to a raging case of baby fever, which is a whole other book, itself.
And then there is my school starting. I am realizing how much it is going to take away from my time with Austin, and it makes me re-think the whole thing. My saving grace in life is being home with him. I have 4 books for this semester (8 weeks!). And my thought is Oh S*&^, when I am I going to read 4 books, in EIGHT WEEKS?
And work.. Oh my.. School and work go hand in hand, since I am working on my Master's in Special Education. One think about me? I am compassionate to a fault. I see injustice in any way, shape, or form in this world and it rips my heart out. Just like when Dixie passed away. I had to retreat from her family because knowing how different their life was going to be and I felt like I had seriously had my heart ripped out. These waves of grief were much larger than the waves of grief I had experienced before. So, I digress... I am going to be working with 15-22 year -olds with severe mental retardation. So I think, "I feel so noble! I feel so proud and full." Fool is more like it. It never occured to me that these are ADULTS. Some of them cannot use the toilet on their own. They still menstruate, and coupled with the previous sentence, that's where you get that "OH CRAP!" look. Yes, I can humble myself to take care of these problems, but can I REALLY do it? Seriously? EVERY DAY? This could become my "norm?" I immediately think "No way... there is no way." And I rationalize "Well, when I get my Master's, I will be working more with Inclusion issues, not severe and profound children." Who knows if a job in that will even be available? And what if I can't do this and I don't end up finishing my degree? What if I HATE teaching? What if I can't stand the school setting? I come from an industry that has something called offices. When you can't deal anymore, you going into your own office and shut the door. I am in a tiny room with 3 other colleagues that I cannot escape from, except to go to the restroom (and they are SCHOOL restrooms. Remember what school restrooms smell like? You don't want to be there long, at all.) One of these colleagues uses the N word frequently. And of course, that word makes me want to VOMIT!!! Hello!! I am the PC police of my generation!!!
My position is maybe one step above janitor. And there is very much a hierarchy in a school setting. It doesn't matter if I am I working on my Masters. There is the same treatment (good, bad/indifferent) to the Teacher's Aide that didn't finish high school and the TA who is working on her Master's degree. Nope, not any difference.
And to boot, I have a some sort of horrid cold, flu or strep throat. Why not an actual diagnosis? Because my Cobra papers have not come in from my last job's insurance (although they say they mailed them 8/14) and my new insurance doesn't start until 9/1. Off topic: My doctor is not even going to be on my new insurance. "OH CRAP" again, because we will have to suck up the costs of that and just see him as an out of network provider. Sooooo, I refuse to pay $150 to go to the doctor if it isn't a big deal. Either way, it's not good that I am sick. I have been several months without being really sick and now, well, I'm really sick. I'm terrified.
Whew... I know a few things. My God is good and my God keeps His promises. 1. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. 2. He will not lead me off a cliff. 3. Lean on Him, embrace Him, because He is the ONLY one who is going to get me through any of this!!
I can say, in the past, that I had issues trusting God with such MAJOR life changes. Instead of leaning on him through the worst of my illness, I'd run to the ER for every little symptom, because I was terrified that God was going to let me die.
This time, though, it's all His. It's all about trust and obedience. It is not going to be easy, and that's how I KNOW it is God's work. He wants me out of my comfort zone and to work hard for Him. And so, I will do His work with enthusiasm. I prayed for God to let me do His work, and look how fast He answers? He told me it would be tough, and I guess I will soon find out if I am strong enough for His work.
5 years ago
