Change Will Be Good

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, to say the least.  I have hesitated blogging about it, but since most of my support system is gone, I have to have an outlet.  Plus, like 3 people read this thing, so meh... 

Last night's sermon was one of the most powerful I have ever been a part of.  I know God is answering my questions.  He is answering them so eloquently that it blows me away.  It's overwhelming at times. 

It is strange not to go to the same place on Sunday that I have for 5 years.  I like familiarity.  I struggle in new social situations and don't make friends easily, which is my own fault.  Perhaps that is why I work so well with children who have autism.  :-)  When I saw an old friend at the new church last night, I was so excited.  We have similar pasts and she has been through a lot of what I have in my life time.  I love her dearly, and it was great to worship with her again. 

I feel closer to God than I have in a very long time.  It's one of those times in life where He is all you've got and He starts piecing together the puzzle right before your eyes. 

Of course, it is hard.  All of it is hard.  I think most days I am still in shock about everything that has transpired.  It is a reminder that all you can really trust in is God.  My heart hurts, the stress has thrown me into a flare, but we will get through this. 

My husband has shown such incredible faith in this time and I am so proud of him.

Anticipation

I can't sleep tonight. Why? Because Tuesday I see an OB/GYN. Why? To find out if I should hold on our let go of the chance of bearing another child. I never thought my biological clock, or whatever it is, would be causing an inner struggle in me. I told myself before that I would never ever bear another child.

I constantly remind myself of all the things that went wrong the first time. Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Preeclampsia, Hellp Syndrome, a premature baby with three holes in her heart and a momma that had pretty severe postpartum depression.

I got my miracle, why do I want more?

Not only are there the risks of the previous pregnancy, but now I add in thyroid disease, a heart problem and I am currently fighting off pre-diabetes. When I write it out, I feel ridiculous for even considering it.

As much as I long for another child, I just don't think my body could handle it. I need a definitive answer. I've prayed and cannot distinguish God's answer from my own desires.

Will we adopt? Who knows... At this point, and for a while in the future, we certainly cannot afford the adoption process. I'm not even sure how we would feel about adopting. At this point, I want a child with my husband, which sounds incredibly selfish.

I want my precious Ainsley to have a sibling, but that is for God to decide, not me.

He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.
Praise the Lord!
Psalm 113:9

Random Thoughts and Streams of Consciousness

I wish every week was a 4 day week! I love having more time at home.

Praying, begging, pleading with God about Ainsley's appointment today.

I prefer not to think about, or deal with, the news of not being able to have more children.

God is opening my heart and filling me with Crazy Love.

I am tired of spats with my in-laws. Why is it so hard to just "get along." I feel like I will never succeed in those relationships.

Newsflash: Everything is NOT our fault!

I need to lose 20 pounds for my health, and don't know where to even start.

I realized on Saturday, that I should have been there for a friend, and I have not.

It felt good to talk to someone about things that I keep hidden so far down inside...things that never get talked about.

Still do not know what to do about our church situation. It's like the song "Do we stay or do we go now?"

If Ainsley does have this dreaded autoimmune disease, I want to stay home full-time and take care of her and help her get her health back, and teach her how to manage. I guess we would actually be teaching each other.

I do not think that anyone realizes that Nick and Linley leaving is having a huge impact on Ainsley right now. It upsets me that no one has thought of her in all of this.

Lately, I have wanted to connect with a half-sister and half-brother that I have never met before.

Questions, Gifts, Frustrations, Answers

I have had a very sorry attitude lately about church. I seem to be deeply connected to God in every other facet of my life, except church. When I am there, I am restless inside, I cannot sit still. Every little thing brings me to a point of rage. It was not like this 2 months ago and I am praying for answers.

I am not sure if it is time to leave the church or stay and work through it. I feel like God is leading me to ask questions and I am trying to make sure that it isn't just me, that it is truly God leading me. He has placed these questions on my heart over and over and the strange thing is, when I go to another church that I have been led to, these EXACT questions are answered. What do I make of this?

I do feel like if I ask a question in my church, I am viewed as a trouble-maker. I have taken the spiritual gifts test (from my church) three times, and every single time, I get the results of Prophecy, Encouragement and Mercy. All within one point of each other.

What do they even mean? Am I allowed to ask such questions of our church leadership?

What is "Normal," Anyway?

God has blessed me. I absolutely love being a part of His work. He is allowing me to work with some of his most amazing creations. It is overwhelming that He loves me this much. I recently got moved from LHS to a middle school. And while it has been so hard leaving my LHS student, I put it in God's hands and have had a beautiful experience at the middle school. The teachers I work with are wonderful and now I want to stay there!!! I honestly forget that these kids are "special," or whatever label people want to call them. They are wonderful kids who have experienced so much in their short lives. I have a respect for them for the things they have endured. I love them!

A-1- She is beautiful. Her only set back is a few learning disabilities. She will be fine and live an independent life. She is a typical, girly 14 year old girl that helps out all of the other kids in the house. She is sweet and will probably be in inclusion classes when she goes to high school.

E- He was "normal" until a few years ago when he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He was riding his bike and got hit by a semi. He dances ALL the time, constantly makes jokes and claims he is his mom's favorite kid.

A-2- She looks completely "normal." She would definitely be a cheerleader if she hadn't been thrown against a wall as a baby. She has a heart of gold and adores Ainsley. She is the eldest sister of 6 girls and she is beautiful.

A-3-She is the female Napoleon. She was also born "typical." At 18 months old, her grandmother accidentally ran over her in the driveway, leaving her blind and mentally retarded. These TBI's are hard to swallow, but she reads Braille amazingly.

K-A gorgeous red-headed little girl that is learning how to drive a purple power chair. She is as cute as a button. She was born at 24 weeks, which is why she is "special needs." She loves to be around people and she loves to sing. She is precious.

M-He is autistic. Not Asperger's, but full-blown autistic. He is usually VERY serious and says weird things like "Fish Eating Crabs" or "Roger, that" and you must answer his questions with "Affirmative or Negative." He is quirky, he is big. He and I have connected (have I mentioned I LOVE autistic kids??) and even though he can be rough and he screams like a girl, he knows that I can see through that and I appreciate his world. We talk and hang out a lot during the day. He has an autistic brother at home, so his mother certainly has his hands full. He's just a big teddy bear and he knows all of the presidents of the US in order, I might add!!

L-Oh, L. He was the reason for my reassignment. He is autistic and completely unmedicated. He has been homeschooled until this year, so he has never really been around other adults or children. Before I was reassigned, he was a runner. Once, he ran 2 blocks from the school before anyone caught up with him. He is smart and loves the computer and is the loviest autistic child I have ever been around. Even though there are days when he will not allow anyone into his world, I love to hear him say "Okay, Mrs. Jones."

Oh, how I love these kids. Some days are truly like living in a nursing home or a funny farm, but I would not trade it for anything. And even though this kids are labeled as "not normal," I find it amazing that God would put them in my path. They are beautiful, special children and I cannot imagine teaching "normal" kids. I also love that Ainsley loves to spend time after school with them and wants to be there everyday. God is good!!!

Freaked Out

Ugh. I am absolutely, positively freaked out about everything (well, not EVERYTHING) right now. I do not feel "anxious," per se, more like that blank, big-eyed, pale-faced "Oh CRAP!" kind of feeling. Pretty certain that this is a whole new level of anxiety altogether (j/k).

First off... My BABY, the 7lb 1oz tiny newborn, is starting first grade on Monday. She's ready for school (she thinks that she is ready for college), but something about first grade hits me in the gut and knocks the wind out of me. This feeling is contributing to a raging case of baby fever, which is a whole other book, itself.

And then there is my school starting. I am realizing how much it is going to take away from my time with Austin, and it makes me re-think the whole thing. My saving grace in life is being home with him. I have 4 books for this semester (8 weeks!). And my thought is Oh S*&^, when I am I going to read 4 books, in EIGHT WEEKS?

And work.. Oh my.. School and work go hand in hand, since I am working on my Master's in Special Education. One think about me? I am compassionate to a fault. I see injustice in any way, shape, or form in this world and it rips my heart out. Just like when Dixie passed away. I had to retreat from her family because knowing how different their life was going to be and I felt like I had seriously had my heart ripped out. These waves of grief were much larger than the waves of grief I had experienced before. So, I digress... I am going to be working with 15-22 year -olds with severe mental retardation. So I think, "I feel so noble! I feel so proud and full." Fool is more like it. It never occured to me that these are ADULTS. Some of them cannot use the toilet on their own. They still menstruate, and coupled with the previous sentence, that's where you get that "OH CRAP!" look. Yes, I can humble myself to take care of these problems, but can I REALLY do it? Seriously? EVERY DAY? This could become my "norm?" I immediately think "No way... there is no way." And I rationalize "Well, when I get my Master's, I will be working more with Inclusion issues, not severe and profound children." Who knows if a job in that will even be available? And what if I can't do this and I don't end up finishing my degree? What if I HATE teaching? What if I can't stand the school setting? I come from an industry that has something called offices. When you can't deal anymore, you going into your own office and shut the door. I am in a tiny room with 3 other colleagues that I cannot escape from, except to go to the restroom (and they are SCHOOL restrooms. Remember what school restrooms smell like? You don't want to be there long, at all.) One of these colleagues uses the N word frequently. And of course, that word makes me want to VOMIT!!! Hello!! I am the PC police of my generation!!!
My position is maybe one step above janitor. And there is very much a hierarchy in a school setting. It doesn't matter if I am I working on my Masters. There is the same treatment (good, bad/indifferent) to the Teacher's Aide that didn't finish high school and the TA who is working on her Master's degree. Nope, not any difference.

And to boot, I have a some sort of horrid cold, flu or strep throat. Why not an actual diagnosis? Because my Cobra papers have not come in from my last job's insurance (although they say they mailed them 8/14) and my new insurance doesn't start until 9/1. Off topic: My doctor is not even going to be on my new insurance. "OH CRAP" again, because we will have to suck up the costs of that and just see him as an out of network provider. Sooooo, I refuse to pay $150 to go to the doctor if it isn't a big deal. Either way, it's not good that I am sick. I have been several months without being really sick and now, well, I'm really sick. I'm terrified.

Whew... I know a few things. My God is good and my God keeps His promises. 1. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. 2. He will not lead me off a cliff. 3. Lean on Him, embrace Him, because He is the ONLY one who is going to get me through any of this!!

I can say, in the past, that I had issues trusting God with such MAJOR life changes. Instead of leaning on him through the worst of my illness, I'd run to the ER for every little symptom, because I was terrified that God was going to let me die.

This time, though, it's all His. It's all about trust and obedience. It is not going to be easy, and that's how I KNOW it is God's work. He wants me out of my comfort zone and to work hard for Him. And so, I will do His work with enthusiasm. I prayed for God to let me do His work, and look how fast He answers? He told me it would be tough, and I guess I will soon find out if I am strong enough for His work.

God In My Radio, Again...

The God that is with you on the mountain top is the same God that is with you down in the valleys. He will not leave you to be alone.