The last few weeks have been so draining. I have needed to write out all of my feelings to get them off of my chest (and hopefully allow me to sleep better).
When my grandparents passed away, I never felt "angry." There was one day that I was angry at my grandmother, and that is because the one thing she left me was very hurtful.
This "new" grief has left me so incredibly angry. I am not angry with God, or with anyone or anything in particular, I just pissed off.
I have been lashing out at my sister and co-workers, and I find myself quickly apologizing, asking for forgiveness. I know, in my heart, that lashing out is wrong, I just do not know how to make it go away. Maybe it is just the stress and when my health reserves are replenished, things will be better.
Dixie was so sweet to me. Up until a few years ago, we were family, but we were not "close." We became close when Dixie tried to protect me from finding out that I was not in my mother's will. It was right after my grandmother died and we were turning the house upside down, looking for my grandmother's will. Dixie knew that my mom's will was in the same place and told my mom that she had better find it before I did. Dixie never told me, as I quickly figured it out on my own and my sister confirmed my suspicions. Soon after this event, I went to counseling to learn how to deal with my mom. Dixie protected me from hurt, which is something my mother never did for me.
Yes, yes, I love my mom, and my dad for that matter. However, as hard as it is to say, I love them out of obedience to God. Things were easier when I was 400 miles away from her and leaving my child with her, alone, is one of the hardest things I have to do. I appreciate my mom and know that she loves Ainsley.
Well, as much as she can love. See, my mom has
narcissistic parent disorder. Does she know this or admit this? No, because she is a narcissist. Her mother was a narcissist, as well. I loved my grandmother deeply and she very much fulfilled the role of mother in my life, but it was quite dysfunctional.
Once I was in counseling, I learned tools to deal with my mom, so that I could continue to love her without getting hurt so much. I learned that my mother is not capable of empathy or sympathy. She is not capable of unconditional love. She does not purposefully do this, it is a personality disorder. Another common part of NPP is choosing one sibling over the other (which I will get to later), that I have also come to deal with. It isn't my sister's fault that my mom behaves in the ways that she does and I love my sister dearly.
Oh, but Dixie understood. She was the one member in my family that recognized that Austin and I got married. She was there for me when I was sick. She adored Austin and Ainsley. She was my proof that there was unconditional love in my family. She would build me up, not tear me down. And she knew that I did not deserve the way my mother treats me. Dixie was close to my mom, too.
I have asked the question a few times "Why Dixie?" It sounds horrible, but if you had any idea what I've been through with my mother, you'd understand the second part of the question: "Why not MY mom, instead?"
I know it is up to God. I know His timing is perfect. He spared our precious Christian sister from having to find out she had cancer and live through the horrible treatments. I am awed at the image of her sitting at the feet of her Saviour, our Saviour.
I have just been so stressed, so tired, so angry, so empty. And then today, my sister drops another bomb on me by telling me that she is moving (with her husband and child) in with my mother. It is a whole other issue, but it has to be one of the most unhealthy and marriage crushing things she could do. The first thing I learned about having a narcissistic parent is the importance of boundaries and not allowing them to be co-dependent. It's a mess, really, especially since my sister's marriage has been on the rocks for nearly 2 years.
I have realized, through the past two weeks, that there is a distinct difference between me and the rest of my family. I am believer, truster and obeyer in God. I do not do anything good myself, it is God's work. It is so hard having non-believers so close. I try to love them like Jesus loves them, even though they constantly turn their backs on Him. Sometimes I feel like I am getting to a point that I have to stop trying to convert them, and let them live with their own choices. But, the "wear your bleeding heart on your shoulder" part of me comes out and I just can't do it. I feel like I have to do everything I can to save them.
More than anything, I feel for Dixie's kids and her husband. I hate that they have to deal with the financial issues and every detail that comes along with death. I am sad that a wonderful wife and loving mother were taken away.
I am praying that I feel better, health-wise, and that God will restore me.
"But the LORD replied, "Have you any right to be angry?" " Jonah 4:4
