Questions, Gifts, Frustrations, Answers

I have had a very sorry attitude lately about church. I seem to be deeply connected to God in every other facet of my life, except church. When I am there, I am restless inside, I cannot sit still. Every little thing brings me to a point of rage. It was not like this 2 months ago and I am praying for answers.

I am not sure if it is time to leave the church or stay and work through it. I feel like God is leading me to ask questions and I am trying to make sure that it isn't just me, that it is truly God leading me. He has placed these questions on my heart over and over and the strange thing is, when I go to another church that I have been led to, these EXACT questions are answered. What do I make of this?

I do feel like if I ask a question in my church, I am viewed as a trouble-maker. I have taken the spiritual gifts test (from my church) three times, and every single time, I get the results of Prophecy, Encouragement and Mercy. All within one point of each other.

What do they even mean? Am I allowed to ask such questions of our church leadership?

What is "Normal," Anyway?

God has blessed me. I absolutely love being a part of His work. He is allowing me to work with some of his most amazing creations. It is overwhelming that He loves me this much. I recently got moved from LHS to a middle school. And while it has been so hard leaving my LHS student, I put it in God's hands and have had a beautiful experience at the middle school. The teachers I work with are wonderful and now I want to stay there!!! I honestly forget that these kids are "special," or whatever label people want to call them. They are wonderful kids who have experienced so much in their short lives. I have a respect for them for the things they have endured. I love them!

A-1- She is beautiful. Her only set back is a few learning disabilities. She will be fine and live an independent life. She is a typical, girly 14 year old girl that helps out all of the other kids in the house. She is sweet and will probably be in inclusion classes when she goes to high school.

E- He was "normal" until a few years ago when he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He was riding his bike and got hit by a semi. He dances ALL the time, constantly makes jokes and claims he is his mom's favorite kid.

A-2- She looks completely "normal." She would definitely be a cheerleader if she hadn't been thrown against a wall as a baby. She has a heart of gold and adores Ainsley. She is the eldest sister of 6 girls and she is beautiful.

A-3-She is the female Napoleon. She was also born "typical." At 18 months old, her grandmother accidentally ran over her in the driveway, leaving her blind and mentally retarded. These TBI's are hard to swallow, but she reads Braille amazingly.

K-A gorgeous red-headed little girl that is learning how to drive a purple power chair. She is as cute as a button. She was born at 24 weeks, which is why she is "special needs." She loves to be around people and she loves to sing. She is precious.

M-He is autistic. Not Asperger's, but full-blown autistic. He is usually VERY serious and says weird things like "Fish Eating Crabs" or "Roger, that" and you must answer his questions with "Affirmative or Negative." He is quirky, he is big. He and I have connected (have I mentioned I LOVE autistic kids??) and even though he can be rough and he screams like a girl, he knows that I can see through that and I appreciate his world. We talk and hang out a lot during the day. He has an autistic brother at home, so his mother certainly has his hands full. He's just a big teddy bear and he knows all of the presidents of the US in order, I might add!!

L-Oh, L. He was the reason for my reassignment. He is autistic and completely unmedicated. He has been homeschooled until this year, so he has never really been around other adults or children. Before I was reassigned, he was a runner. Once, he ran 2 blocks from the school before anyone caught up with him. He is smart and loves the computer and is the loviest autistic child I have ever been around. Even though there are days when he will not allow anyone into his world, I love to hear him say "Okay, Mrs. Jones."

Oh, how I love these kids. Some days are truly like living in a nursing home or a funny farm, but I would not trade it for anything. And even though this kids are labeled as "not normal," I find it amazing that God would put them in my path. They are beautiful, special children and I cannot imagine teaching "normal" kids. I also love that Ainsley loves to spend time after school with them and wants to be there everyday. God is good!!!

Freaked Out

Ugh. I am absolutely, positively freaked out about everything (well, not EVERYTHING) right now. I do not feel "anxious," per se, more like that blank, big-eyed, pale-faced "Oh CRAP!" kind of feeling. Pretty certain that this is a whole new level of anxiety altogether (j/k).

First off... My BABY, the 7lb 1oz tiny newborn, is starting first grade on Monday. She's ready for school (she thinks that she is ready for college), but something about first grade hits me in the gut and knocks the wind out of me. This feeling is contributing to a raging case of baby fever, which is a whole other book, itself.

And then there is my school starting. I am realizing how much it is going to take away from my time with Austin, and it makes me re-think the whole thing. My saving grace in life is being home with him. I have 4 books for this semester (8 weeks!). And my thought is Oh S*&^, when I am I going to read 4 books, in EIGHT WEEKS?

And work.. Oh my.. School and work go hand in hand, since I am working on my Master's in Special Education. One think about me? I am compassionate to a fault. I see injustice in any way, shape, or form in this world and it rips my heart out. Just like when Dixie passed away. I had to retreat from her family because knowing how different their life was going to be and I felt like I had seriously had my heart ripped out. These waves of grief were much larger than the waves of grief I had experienced before. So, I digress... I am going to be working with 15-22 year -olds with severe mental retardation. So I think, "I feel so noble! I feel so proud and full." Fool is more like it. It never occured to me that these are ADULTS. Some of them cannot use the toilet on their own. They still menstruate, and coupled with the previous sentence, that's where you get that "OH CRAP!" look. Yes, I can humble myself to take care of these problems, but can I REALLY do it? Seriously? EVERY DAY? This could become my "norm?" I immediately think "No way... there is no way." And I rationalize "Well, when I get my Master's, I will be working more with Inclusion issues, not severe and profound children." Who knows if a job in that will even be available? And what if I can't do this and I don't end up finishing my degree? What if I HATE teaching? What if I can't stand the school setting? I come from an industry that has something called offices. When you can't deal anymore, you going into your own office and shut the door. I am in a tiny room with 3 other colleagues that I cannot escape from, except to go to the restroom (and they are SCHOOL restrooms. Remember what school restrooms smell like? You don't want to be there long, at all.) One of these colleagues uses the N word frequently. And of course, that word makes me want to VOMIT!!! Hello!! I am the PC police of my generation!!!
My position is maybe one step above janitor. And there is very much a hierarchy in a school setting. It doesn't matter if I am I working on my Masters. There is the same treatment (good, bad/indifferent) to the Teacher's Aide that didn't finish high school and the TA who is working on her Master's degree. Nope, not any difference.

And to boot, I have a some sort of horrid cold, flu or strep throat. Why not an actual diagnosis? Because my Cobra papers have not come in from my last job's insurance (although they say they mailed them 8/14) and my new insurance doesn't start until 9/1. Off topic: My doctor is not even going to be on my new insurance. "OH CRAP" again, because we will have to suck up the costs of that and just see him as an out of network provider. Sooooo, I refuse to pay $150 to go to the doctor if it isn't a big deal. Either way, it's not good that I am sick. I have been several months without being really sick and now, well, I'm really sick. I'm terrified.

Whew... I know a few things. My God is good and my God keeps His promises. 1. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. 2. He will not lead me off a cliff. 3. Lean on Him, embrace Him, because He is the ONLY one who is going to get me through any of this!!

I can say, in the past, that I had issues trusting God with such MAJOR life changes. Instead of leaning on him through the worst of my illness, I'd run to the ER for every little symptom, because I was terrified that God was going to let me die.

This time, though, it's all His. It's all about trust and obedience. It is not going to be easy, and that's how I KNOW it is God's work. He wants me out of my comfort zone and to work hard for Him. And so, I will do His work with enthusiasm. I prayed for God to let me do His work, and look how fast He answers? He told me it would be tough, and I guess I will soon find out if I am strong enough for His work.

God In My Radio, Again...

The God that is with you on the mountain top is the same God that is with you down in the valleys. He will not leave you to be alone.

The Armor of God

The past few weeks have been full of spiritual warfare. I do not care for that term because I honestly do not believe that the devil is out to get me (although I do work with Satan's spawn).

Anyway, God led me to this piece of scripture:

Ephesians 6:10-20 (New International Version)
The Armor of God 10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

I love this girl!

What an insane month!! Work has never been so busy, a beautiful member of my family went to be with her God, teaching VBS, having a flare-up of thyroid issues....

Even though I was feeling horribly tired and sick all week, God somehow gave me the strength to teach VBS this week. My amazingly wonderful husband joined me, even though I am pretty sure it was exhausting for him, too. All week long, I kept thinking "Why God, why does VBS have to be this week?" or "Couldn't Dixie have died NEXT week?"

I have been beyond tired. My hormones are all out of sorts. 20 kids aged 4-6 can do a number on you when you are mentally and physically drained. But God kept telling me "This is where you are supposed to be." He gave me just enough energy to make it through without having a total melt down.

Today, I was so tired getting up for work. I had a nasty headache and just 3 hours at work and I couldn't take it anymore. I came home sick and slept for two and a half hours. After picking up Ainsley, she and I took a 2 hour nap and we were late to VBS.

On the way to VBS, Ainsley talked about becoming a Christian. She has been talking about it and asking questions for months. Honestly, Austin and I thought she was much too young to be making any kind of decision like that at age six and a half. We talked about it a little more in-depth tonight and right when we pulled up to church she announced "I am ready to become a Christian."

I did some checking with our pastor (whose daughter also made the commitment at age 6) and decided that the Holy Spirit was definitely working in my baby.

We somehow found a quite time and an empty space and she prayed that beautiful prayer. Afterwards, she was shaking, but happy. And, it hit me.. "THIS is why I am supposed to be at VBS this week." (God usually has to hit me in the head).

I am praying for her this weekend. She is with her dad and I know how hard it is to be around someone that isn't so supportive in that area right after God saves you. I pray that the Lord continues to work in her big, loving, compassionate heart.

She is amazing and I don't know why God thinks I deserve such a sweet, beautiful child.

Of Love and Anger and Loss

The last few weeks have been so draining. I have needed to write out all of my feelings to get them off of my chest (and hopefully allow me to sleep better).

When my grandparents passed away, I never felt "angry." There was one day that I was angry at my grandmother, and that is because the one thing she left me was very hurtful.

This "new" grief has left me so incredibly angry. I am not angry with God, or with anyone or anything in particular, I just pissed off.

I have been lashing out at my sister and co-workers, and I find myself quickly apologizing, asking for forgiveness. I know, in my heart, that lashing out is wrong, I just do not know how to make it go away. Maybe it is just the stress and when my health reserves are replenished, things will be better.

Dixie was so sweet to me. Up until a few years ago, we were family, but we were not "close." We became close when Dixie tried to protect me from finding out that I was not in my mother's will. It was right after my grandmother died and we were turning the house upside down, looking for my grandmother's will. Dixie knew that my mom's will was in the same place and told my mom that she had better find it before I did. Dixie never told me, as I quickly figured it out on my own and my sister confirmed my suspicions. Soon after this event, I went to counseling to learn how to deal with my mom. Dixie protected me from hurt, which is something my mother never did for me.

Yes, yes, I love my mom, and my dad for that matter. However, as hard as it is to say, I love them out of obedience to God. Things were easier when I was 400 miles away from her and leaving my child with her, alone, is one of the hardest things I have to do. I appreciate my mom and know that she loves Ainsley.

Well, as much as she can love. See, my mom has narcissistic parent disorder. Does she know this or admit this? No, because she is a narcissist. Her mother was a narcissist, as well. I loved my grandmother deeply and she very much fulfilled the role of mother in my life, but it was quite dysfunctional.

Once I was in counseling, I learned tools to deal with my mom, so that I could continue to love her without getting hurt so much. I learned that my mother is not capable of empathy or sympathy. She is not capable of unconditional love. She does not purposefully do this, it is a personality disorder. Another common part of NPP is choosing one sibling over the other (which I will get to later), that I have also come to deal with. It isn't my sister's fault that my mom behaves in the ways that she does and I love my sister dearly.

Oh, but Dixie understood. She was the one member in my family that recognized that Austin and I got married. She was there for me when I was sick. She adored Austin and Ainsley. She was my proof that there was unconditional love in my family. She would build me up, not tear me down. And she knew that I did not deserve the way my mother treats me. Dixie was close to my mom, too.

I have asked the question a few times "Why Dixie?" It sounds horrible, but if you had any idea what I've been through with my mother, you'd understand the second part of the question: "Why not MY mom, instead?"

I know it is up to God. I know His timing is perfect. He spared our precious Christian sister from having to find out she had cancer and live through the horrible treatments. I am awed at the image of her sitting at the feet of her Saviour, our Saviour.

I have just been so stressed, so tired, so angry, so empty. And then today, my sister drops another bomb on me by telling me that she is moving (with her husband and child) in with my mother. It is a whole other issue, but it has to be one of the most unhealthy and marriage crushing things she could do. The first thing I learned about having a narcissistic parent is the importance of boundaries and not allowing them to be co-dependent. It's a mess, really, especially since my sister's marriage has been on the rocks for nearly 2 years.

I have realized, through the past two weeks, that there is a distinct difference between me and the rest of my family. I am believer, truster and obeyer in God. I do not do anything good myself, it is God's work. It is so hard having non-believers so close. I try to love them like Jesus loves them, even though they constantly turn their backs on Him. Sometimes I feel like I am getting to a point that I have to stop trying to convert them, and let them live with their own choices. But, the "wear your bleeding heart on your shoulder" part of me comes out and I just can't do it. I feel like I have to do everything I can to save them.

More than anything, I feel for Dixie's kids and her husband. I hate that they have to deal with the financial issues and every detail that comes along with death. I am sad that a wonderful wife and loving mother were taken away.

I am praying that I feel better, health-wise, and that God will restore me.

"But the LORD replied, "Have you any right to be angry?" " Jonah 4:4