Some would call this complaining, I call it venting

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH

I brought this computer hoping that I'd at least get 45 minutes on the Internet to search for life's answers, but of course, a major university wouldn't have internet access at their rec center. I just have to smile, because it's all these litter ridiculous things that are getting to me.

Maybe I can release some of this anguish by writing.

I feel like none of my prayers are being answered right now. I almost feel like they are not even being heard. Simple things, like "God, please let my DHEA arrive in the mail today, for it is what gives me energy and energy is needed for coping." Of course, it didn't come today, even though it was priority mailed to me last Thursday. I can't afford to go pick it up at Caprock only to have to turn around and pay the mail order place again in a few weeks. I take the part about not answering any prayers back. Last night I prayed that I would at least wake up today.

I'm not good with exact verses or books in the Bible, but I have been slowly reading the Bible in its entirely (although not in order) over the past year. I remember reading somewhere that when you are angry with God that you should just tell him, let it all out. He already knows anyway. I have to say that I am actually afraid to release all of that onto him. What if he sends more wrath down upon me? I cannot possibly handle anymore.

Things are scary. I looked at Austin yesterday on the way to his parents house from eating and I said "You know, I'm just plain scared, I don't know what is going to happen to us." I am terrified. So much that I have forgotten how to take a deep breath. Not just about the obvious money issues.. I mean, our mortgage is due in 10 days and we have no way to pay it.. Hopefully our electricity isn't going to get turned off, because we can't pay that bill this month. Hopefully we can still bathe, because the gas bill can't be paid. I think I can handle that. What I can't handle is the effect it has on my marriage and my child. Sometimes I feel like everyone looks at me with such disappointment, like this is all my fault. I can see how it is easy to come to that conclusion from the outside, but I want to assure everyone, (my husband, my family, MYSELF) that I am trying. I almost feel "duped." I felt led to stay home with Ainsley this summer to be able to spend time with her before kindergarten. We knew that meant little chance for job searching or job getting, but I really felt like God was going to take care of us, that it would be okay. Instead, it's not even close to ok. "Ok" has been blown off the freaking map. When Austin tells me that he nearly threw up and had a panic attack yesterday at work, my heart breaks over and over. I feel like he could have done so much better. I feel guilty that he was brought into my sickness and my inability to be hired by anyone.

Then last night, as if I don't feel like enough of a loser, Ainsley has a complete meltdown. During the meltdown, I prayed "Please, God, I feel it coming, please don't let her go there..." Well, as soon as I prayed that, she launched into "I wish my mom and dad were still married." I assure her that it isn't her fault, but she is up until almost midnight crying about it. Again, I feel like I've failed in every single facet of my life. I have nothing left to offer anyone and I feel like everyone is staring at me wondering what the hell is wrong with me.. Why is she such a loser?

98% of me knows that God will somehow get us through this. That our marriage will survive this, that Ainsley will eventually forgive me, and that money will just drop out of the sky so I don't have to go sleep choking back the need to vomit because of this stress. But 2% of me is screaming out "This isn't how it is supposed to be." On Saturday, I absolutely lost it, thinking about the past 5 years. Yes, there have been some major blessings and I am so grateful for them, but it seems like every blessing is attached to 20 pieces of pain. Not just everyday-normal pain, but MAJOR losses.

My pregnancy... Ha, how I would love to forget the longest 8 months of my life. The nearly dying at the very end and begging God to just let me see Ainsley before I go. The health problems that it brought out.. Yet, in every conversation with someone we haven't seen for a while or in people we are trying to connect with, the question of "Are you having more?" comes up. I usually laugh. At this point, there is no way I am even tempting Satan by getting pregnant. That brings a lot of sadness in itself. The one thing women are supposed to be able to do, I can't. It's almost comical in a painful way. Every baby I see, every happy glowing pregnant women is a reminder "You'll never have this."

Ugh. I'm going to quit before I start bawling in front of these people around me that have no idea what is going on in our lives.

But I'm scared. I'm scared my marriage won't survive this because Austin seems so angry at me. I know this isn't what he signed up for and I know that he deserves so much more. I'm scared my child will always hate me for not allowing myself to be miserable my whole life. I'm scared that I'll end up with diabetes, despite my efforts of going on this ridiculous diet. I'm just scared. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of stress. I need a break. I need rest. I need alone time, yet I need to be around people who truly love me. I'm so confused.