Where Do We Go From Here?

First, I believe that God will provide for us. He always has and He always will. His timing may not always be my timing, but I know that I must obey Him, in order to further my relationship with Him and increase my faith.

It's funny how everything changes in a day. Yesterday, my mood was hopeful. I've been having excruciating menstrual cycles, to the point that I starting blacking on Monday. I am nauseated and do not eat several days before and they leave me extremely week, anemic and low in potassium. Yesterday I met with my doctor and he finally gave me a prescription for progesterone.

It seems that in my health issues, the progesterone is the final piece of the puzzle. I'm not silly. I know it's not a miracle cure, and it will take several months to get the dosage right, but according to my doctor's and my own research, it is the missing link. I was full of praise yesterday afternoon.

Today started out "normal." A couple of hours into the day, a co-worker that has been at my company for 15 years mentioned that my job might be streamlined. I did not think much of it, but the Lord told me to call the man in charge. I asked him to shoot straight with me, as I have a family to take care of. Honestly, I was fully expecting him to say "No, ding-dong. Your job is fine." Instead he said "Don't tell anyone else in the company, but we are eliminating your position company-wide. We're trying to save you, but it's not looking good. Start looking for a job."

What? At first, I was just in shock, no emotion, no anger, no frustration. This can't be happening. I FINALLY have a job that I enjoy. Austin and I are finally doing ok financially. We just paid $300 in taxes yesterday. We were able to buy new furniture. We were about to buy a car.

I needed to go for a drive, but ended up at home, physically sick. I just went to bed. Sleep is always my way of escaping any problem and my body's way of pushing the stress away.

I cried. I wished that my Pa-Pa was here to ensure me that everything was going to be okay and that he would help us out financially if we needed it. Instead, I feel like the floor has been taken out from under me and I'm falling into a bottomless hole.

Honestly, even though I know, somewhere, that it isn't my fault, I feel like I've failed Austin again and I've failed Ainsley again.

I KNOW that God has been placing my career on my heart. He's wanted me to pray for it recently. My boss being fired, etc...

I told Austin a few months ago that I could not handle losing another job. My very first job, that I LOVED, I had to quit because I was so sick when I was pregnant. My boss was amazing, electing to pay for my insurance, even though she knew it was a million dollar pregnancy and that her rates would significantly increase because of it.

My second job is where I met Austin. He left the company and they took it out on me. It turned into an ugly situation with the Texas Workforce Commission, but I left knowing that they did wrong.

My third job, I started a business with a "friend." I built her business, secured her many good clients, and then, 3 days into my radiation, she calls me and fires me. It ripped me in pieces. I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down.

It took me a long time (2 years) to get the courage to quit freelancing and look for another job. It had to be the right job. God placed me there.

I know that ultimately I will praise Him through this and after this and He will provide for us, but I am scared. I am frustrated. I am lost. I don't want to go back to counting out change to feed my child. I can't bear the thought of losing my health insurance, as it's $400 a month for me to be on Austin's.

Just trying to take tiny faithful steps, one at a time.