Mercy Me, I Have Pneumonia!

I cannot seem to find the words to describe this weekend.

Friday night, I thought would just be a fun "concert." But God had different plans for me. Somewhere in there, I found myself heavily grieving my Ne-Ne. She died so suddenly and it hurts so bad that I get these bursts of grief. I am thankful that the grief only comes in spurts because it is so incredibly painful. She was my rock, she was my mom. Even though she's been in Heaven for over a year, I still find myself picking up the phone to call her and tell her about my day. Oh, how she adored Ainsley and would be so in love with her right now. Losing both of my grandparents, my favorite people in the world, so close together is achingly hard. My Ne-Ne just could not wait to join Pa-Pa in heaven. I often have a vision of their two smiling faces looking down on all of us, even though my selfishness still wishes at least one of them were still here. Pa-Pa and Austin would have been a great pair!

Saturday morning, I woke up and still felt so horrible from the cold I had all week. Something felt "off," so I went to the clinic. When they told me I have pneumonia, it was like getting punched in the chest (well, I already felt that way to begin with). Work was calling me over and over about running a wrong commercial and I was so frustrated. I had a mini-meltdown, crying to my mom that work sucks the life out of me and I would not be so sick had I not had to go back to work. Honestly, sometimes I just think I was not bred for working. All it is to me is money. So, I get the work thing taken care of and get my boss off my back ( I DO NOT work on Saturdays and sometimes I hate that we have cell phones)!

I was feeling awful, but we had bought MercyMe tickets for $50 and I really didn't want them to go to waste or regret not going, so, God gave me enough energy to get in the shower and get there.

Austin and I laugh because I am one of those people who has to be slapped in the face by God to truly get it. MercyMe was promoting "Compassion," where you sponsor a child. For some reason, I raise my hand to receive one of the packets. It's for an 11 year old girl in Haiti with some major health problems. After we already agree that we are supposed to take care of this little girl, Austin looks in the envelope and sees that there is an update on her... She is in the hospital with pneumonia. It took my breath away.

Later in the concert, a teary Bart was talking about his son's type I diabetes and how he has to remind himself everyday that it has to, somehow, be for God's glory. Somedays, he reminds himself of that every hour. I finally got it. It is okay for me to have to remind myself that this broken body of mine must be for God's glory. I'm not a bad Christian if I have to repeat that to myself over and over. I have always felt guilty for being scared or angry when it comes to my illnesses, and I realized last night that it is okay.

So, even though I am missing my Ainsley, it was healing weekend. I never thought I could be blessed by pneumonia, but God made it happen. Going to spend the rest of the weekend taking care of this broken body of mine and loving on my husband.

After the Dr's Visit

Well, I'm allowed to go up on my thyroid hormone, however, I just have an instinctive feeling that is not the problem. My thyroid was fairly normal, for me. Iron levels, DHEA, everything else was okay.

I'm wondering if I should see my cardiologist. I'm just so freaking tired, exhausted and weak. I've been getting more skippy heart feelings, etc... It's just such a pain to be going back and forth to the dr since going back to work.

I'm just at a loss. I was so praying that this would be an easy fix. I'm so scared that it is my heart.

Thank YOU!!

I am so incredibly blessed to have the greatest in-laws ever. I have not been feeling well for a month and have been unable to keep up with housework. Today, my mother-in-law sent her cleaning ladies over and they cleaned my house from top to bottom (even the places that I dare not venture when I do clean!). I was brought to tears today when I thought about all the times they have been there for us and how they welcomed Ainsley and I into their family like we had always been a part of them. They are truly the family I always dreamed to be a part of and we are so blessed.

Thank you for being there for me throughout this entire illness and going back to work. I love you both!!!

Be Still And Know That I Am God

Since I have a new layout, I should post.

Work has gone much better than I ever expected, which is definitely an answered prayer! Ains had some problems adjusting at first, but she is happy as can be now. We are still catching up financially, but I think when I finally have my own health insurance in December, we will be in much better shape. We are tired of being poor!!

My health has held up beautifully, until sometime last week. I had noticed that "rolling downhill" feeling and now I am pretty sure that I am back to being hypo. I am getting better at riding the roller coaster, but it is still frustrating. It is such a delicate balance of meds... Not enough thryoid, off the heart medicine, too much thyroid, back on the heart medicine. Not to mention the panic attacks and tiredness. I do not freak out near as bad as I used to, but yesterday I actually fell asleep at my desk, then went to my mom's hosue and slept as my nephew and daughter ran around screaming. My mom was amazed that I slept through it. :)

I go to the doctor today, so hopefully it is just an easy adjustment of my thyroid meds. Sometimes, I think that surgery would have been better than the radiation. But, it's a done deal, looking back does no good.

The one good thing is that during these yucky times, I do grow closer to God. I usually feel so icky and down that it's just Him and me trying to work through it. I was reminded yesterday to not get anxious and panicky about my health, just to be still and let Him heal me.

Despair

I'm having such a hard time with the fact that I am going back to work full-time on Monday. I just feel it isn't right. It does not feel right, it does not taste right, it does not smell right. It's hard on my daughter. She cried this morning at school when I left her because I won't be able to take her or pick her up anymore. I won't see her everyday anymore and all this for the price of $1600 take home a month? To me, it's so not worth it, but I have to do it for my husband.

I know life isn't fair, believe me, I KNOW, but I want to be the first one each day that hears about my baby's day. I want to be room mother, I want to be the one that is able to stay home with her when she is sick. I need to see her everyday. I can't possibly go 5 days with out her. I'll lose myself.

Politcal Discussions

Ahh, nothing like a good 'ol "moral" political discussion among family members. Yesterday, I was abruptly reminded why I don't discuss politics with family.

I can not get this all out of my head, so I'm going to try to release it.

First of all, NO, I would not personally choose abortion under any circumstance. I would not choose invitro fertilization either, because half of the "frozen embryos" are destroyed (which, to me, constitutes abortion, but right-ists fail to answer that because we all know lots of people with in our churches who have been through this procedure). However, I don't think that either party should be robbed of a clean medical procedure.

I mentioned that morals don't belong in politics and I was wrong. But if you are going to apply morals to politics, don't just pick and choose where it neatly fits for your personal beliefts, apply to all aspects of government.

How about the military? The Bible clearly says "THOU SHALT NOT KILL," but you right-ests try to avoid that. How about the fact that we are each others brothers and sisters and we are to take care of one another? Again, right-ests tend to avoid that, as well.

My personal point of view is that if you want to argue morals and politics, apply it across the board, not just in a rightEOUS, right-est way. How would Jesus REALLY want it to be?

Thankfulness and Randomness

Wow, I'm 31. In some ways it feels old, but I have to admit that the thirties are liberating. You have just enough wisdom to not make stupid mistakes anymore, but still so much life ahead of you to look forward to. God is telling me that this is going to be an amazing year and I am just going to sit back, relax and let Him unfold his plans.

On another note, my baby is starting kindergarten. It just does not seem possible. Keeping my nephew today reminded me of how fast my baby has grown up. It seems cliche, but just yesterday she was learning to walk and babbling (a LOT)! And now she is this complex, brilliant, sensitive little person about to start a 16 year walk in education. In some ways, she and I are excited, but I think we both know that it will be a new chapter in our lives. We've gotten so close being together every day this summer and it's going to be hard not to have her all to myself during the day. She's not only my daughter, but my little friend. I'm praying that I get this job just to ease the transition for both of us.

I absolutely love being an aunt. I feel so blessed to be able to spend so much time with my nephew. I love that he knows his "Aunt Kiki" and acts completely spoiled around me. I adore that as soon as he sees me, he reaches out his arms for me to hold him and wants no one else to carry him around. I enjoyed just lying down with him, relaxing. I love that I'm not the kind of distant aunt that he has to be reintroduced to every time I see him. I love that his face looks so much like my sister's.

My husband is the best! We've been talking about studying the bible together for a long time. (I usually read and then we discuss). Tonight, for my b-day, he surprised me with a couples' devotional book. It means so much to me for us to discover God as a couple and I know this devotion book will grow us even closer. He is just so good to me.

I guess the only downside to being 31 is that we have to decide in the next 6 months if we are going to have a baby or not. I am pretty certain that we are not, but it is incredibly hard to let go of never having another baby in my body. Lately, I've felt the need to pray about it hard, asking God for His will in the situation. The possible outcomes are way too scary for Austin and I to decide on our own. As a woman, sometimes I feel like a failure that I can't do the one thing that my body was made for. However, because of that, I know God has great plans for me, outside of perfect pregnancies and easy deliveries. I pray that those plans would be revealed.