And we're back!!!

Wow! The past couple of weeks have gone by so fast!

First, we went to Puerto Vallarta. We had some travel delays along the way, but we made it right before sunset. We had a blast in Mexico and Ainsley loved it. Hearing her speak Spanish was the cutest thing ever! This trip was much more cultural than any of the others and I really enjoyed that aspect of it.

Here are pics from the trip.

This was the first time Austin, Ains and I have been somewhere together. And even though the 2 of them kicked me out of the king sized bed and I slept on the couch, I loved the special time the three of us had together. Ainsley was so happy!! It's wonderful to see how much the bond between Austin and Ainsley strengthens.

I got a sore throat in Mexico, but did not let it bother me. I suspected it was strep, but since I rarely get strep, assumed it was a cold. On the way home I developed a horrible itchy rash. I went to the doc on the 24th and my strep swab (which I hate! No, really, poke me with a thousand needles, just don't swab my throat) came back negative and I was told it was viral.

A few hours later, Ains and I get a violent stomach bug. I end up in the hospital, Ains is with my mom puking and opening up Santa gifts in between puking. :) We find out that the rest of the family (minus Linley) that we traveled with got the same bug... It multiplies like crazy. All of Ainsley's dad's family gets it.. It was rotten.

That was Christmas Day. I go back to the doc the after Christmas and he tells me he sent my blood off and it is strep. Austin is feeling pretty crappy by this point, too.

I went back to work today, still feeling icky and feverish. My stomach is finally back to normal, but I feel like I have the flu. This happened last year when I got back from Mexico and I'm just so frustrated. I do not think I have ever spent so much time praying for mercy.

My goal for 2009 is to do whatever it takes to remain as healthy as possible. I cannot take anymore of these illnesses. A simple case of strep brings complete havoc to my body and it frustrates me to no end.

I felt so bad that my mom spent so much time preparing a "perfect" Christmas, with Santa, and a yummy lunch and I didn't even see her on Christmas.

BUT WAIT! Something good did come of all this. My husband has shown me more grace than I could ever deserve. He's had a hard time with the sympathy/mercy things in our marriage, but he took amazing care of me. He was my answered prayer during all of this, especially when he held me in the hospital when I began crying at 7am, realizing that I was going to miss Ainsley opening her Santa gifts and I would not have another chance to see her do that for 2 years. He has an amazing way of picking up my pieces and putting them back together. I love you, Austin!!

If I could ask for one prayer it would be for health into the New Year. I started the past 2 years off pretty sick and I just want to start off well.

Happy New Year!

What a wonderful day!

As hectic as Sundays usually are, today was wonderful and filled with the Spirit. We had a great church experience. God used me, unexpectedly, to show grace and love to a friend in great need (which was an amazing experience, thank you, Lord, for using me! I feel so undeserving of such a blessing).

Our house is clean, woohoo! I LOVE for the house to be clean when we leave town, so that our home is cozy and comfy when we get back.

I actually baked today, which was fun.

We had a wonderful small group time. God has put us with such a group of amazing people. I am absolutely humbled by it. And, we as talked about witnessing tonight, a little light bulb went off in my head (usually a sign that God is about to do something great), and He did.

On the way home, Ainsley said that she was afraid that she was going to die in her sleep tonight. Flashbacks rushed over me as I remembered lying awake so many nights as a child with that same fear. It was already an hour past her bed time, but I needed to talk to her more about this. I had bought her a bedtime prayer and devotion book for Christmas, but decided that tonight was the night to give it to her.

She opened it and, while she loves books, she wondered why I had let her open it tonight. We had an open and honest conversation about being anxious (she also developed a stomach ache right after telling us that she was afraid to die in her sleep). I explained to her that while I was growing up, no one ever told me who God was, and I spent so many nights worry what would happen if I died in my sleep. I told her that it took me a long time, but I finally turned my life over to Jesus and trusted Him with that.

I went on to tell her more about how much God loves her and how He will protect her and that He knows she is afraid. We read a story about how God uses our talents to service Him, and I used her piano recital at the nursing home as an example. How God had used her to brighten their day and give them something to look forward to and how happy they were to have children playing for and mingling with them. She said "Wow, God chose me for that?"

We ended in an emotional prayer. She actually broke down before God and asked for his help in not being scared. It was the most pure moment I have ever been a part of. It almost felt like she had accepted Christ tonight, although I am sure she is technically too young. It was amazing to be able to say to her what could have helped me as a child. She is so much like me, that it scares me sometimes, but it is also exciting in that I have some insight into her insecurities.

Thank you, Lord, for using me to witness to my daughter, to show her The Way, The Truth and The Light. Thank you for our friends and our family. Most of all, thank you for my wonderful husband who has unshakable faith and constantly reminds me to fully trust in You.

Ne-Ne and Pa-Pa

I miss them both, so incredibly much. Especially during times of family difficulties, I am reminded of what a blessing they were in my life. I am sad you are gone from this earth, but glad you are together in Heaven, rejoicing.

Whew!! I think I dodged a bullet!!!

I went to the ENT today, fully expecting to be told that I need surgery (Kim Downer, yes). Well, after a few tests, it seems that I have some hearing loss in my left ear (the one that is always giving me problems), and that type of hearing loss, along with tinnitus (probably related to my auto-immune disorders) cause my symptoms!!! I still have to go to a 2nd opinion ENT next week, because my doctor said he saw a certain kind of cyst/tumor in my ear, but for now, this is the best medical appointment I've had!! I'd rather be deaf than deal with surgery. So, I will keep praying for next week's appointment.

On another note, I wish we could all reflect on how blessed we are. Austin and I visited the soup kitchen at Family Church tonight and it really hit home. There are so many homeless and hungry in our own community, yet most of us ignore them day after day. I felt so secure knowing that I had a warm home to go to and loving husband and child to take care of, while these people were taking a bus back to the library, where many of the homeless sleep.

Count your blessings!

Holidays and Naivety

I do not consider myself naive, except when it comes to the Holidays. Up until the last few years, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was my favorite part of the year. Sadly, "The most wonderful time of the year" tends to get more stressful with each year. It is hard having Ainsley's birthday right before or after Thanksgiving, but we always seem to make it work.

This year we got Ainsley a swing set. My mom, Austin's parents and Austin and I all put money together to get Ainsley the absolute coolest playground ever! Sadly, I think this swing set caused way too much stress for all of us. Everyone had to let Ainsley know that they paid for a part of it or that so and so worked an hour on it. It was quite unnerving, really. Ainsley could care less who paid for it or who put it together. All she cares about is that it is in her backyard!! It reminded me of the days when my grandmother would leave the price tags on everything and include the receipt (with the price on it) with all the gifts.

Fast forward a couple of days to her party. My mom and her other grandmother got her a DS. My mom was mad. My mom buys her a swimming puppy, which her great-grandmother also happened to buy her. My dad gets her roller skates, my mother-in-law gets her roller skates. Somehow, I end up taking the hit on all of these, as if I am the Ultimate Gift Controller.

It makes me sad that we get so tied up in "stuff." And, honestly, I am upset at some of our family for taking away some of my enjoy in celebrating the birth of my only child. It is hurtful when the women are so catty about petty things.

Sometimes, with Austin's family, I feel like I am will never be good enough or will never live up to their expectations. My family has enough of it's own problems... All of our families' problems boil down to narcissism, and I really feel if we were living according to God's word, we would end the narcissism and put each other first.

So, as of December 1st, I am going to enjoy the Holidays. I am going to love my Christmas tree (even though some consider it an idol), I am going to play Santa... I am going to experience Christmas again and ignore all the family hoopla.

November 26, 2002

Today, my baby is six years old (actually, not until 7:01pm). A lot of people say that birth is a miracle, but Ainsley's birth WAS truly a miracle! In fact, at 4:15pm, exactly six years ago, I was clinically dead. I look back at that time and think about how spiritually dead I was, as well. Even though it was a rough way for Ainsley to enter the world, God knew what He was doing.

Some years this day each year has been bittersweet. A lot of anxiety surrounds the 25th and 26th of November to me. Well, I should say surrounded. I have not had a panic attack while remembering her birth this year. I still remember every vivid detail of those 2 days, but I seem to be "over" it. It is a blessed feeling.

We started the day by singing Happy Birthday and then Ainsley came up to work with me until noon. She is just such a good child. She was amazing at work, just coloring and doing her own thing. I remember when they handed her to me after she was born, I thought "Now what? How on earth am I going to do this?" She has definitely made parenting fun and easy for us. She is and always will be my baby. My precious little 7lb 1oz miracle who wasn't supposed to make it through the birth or through her heart ailments without surgery. She is a beautiful example of God's work.

A Cute Picture and Some Thoughts

My sassy little Ainsley is about to be six years old. It does not even seem possible. Six seems so big kid-like, and less toddlerish. It is amazing how fast six years goes by. I actually remember the exact moment she came into this world! She is just precious and amazing.

This weekend was wonderful. Even though I dreaded the womens' retreat because of my anti-socialness, it turned out to be wonderfully healing. There were a lot of things from the past that I needed to let go of that were driving me crazy with guilt and I think I've finally let them go. I also realized that a lot of people do care and pray for my family and me, I just have to let them in and let down the concrete wall I tend to build around myself.

I love our small group and am so thankful that God put such a fun group together. It is much better and less frightening than I thought it would be, mostly due to God's timing of starting a new one.

In terms of my health, I am working on not being so frustrated with it. In fact, I listed out every symptom, twinge, disease, etc. I had during prayer the other night and handed it over to our Saviour. I figure that He would know what to do with it, much more than I or any doctor could ever do. It feels good to release it. And today, as I would attempt to pull back my control over my health, I would re-release it, right back to Him. It is a huge step in faith for me to let it go and I know it will take some time.

However, there are some things that I can control in my health that I am going to work on.. Such as getting more sleep (6 hours is not near enough for me), eating better (I tend to eat comfort foods when I'm not feeling well), exercising again (I was doing so good until I got sick), and some other things that I need to stop doing, so that I know I've done all I can on my end for my health!

I have also decided to give up on the dream of singing. I'm a horrible singer, but since I was a child, dreamed of singing at church. I've decided that I will sing to God when it is just He and I (mostly in the car)!!! ;-)

We are getting ready for a super busy 2 months and cannot wait to get away from it all in Mexico! It is like a break from reality when we go there and we are so blessed to be able to share it with Ainsley this year. My in-laws are the best!