Holidays and Naivety

I do not consider myself naive, except when it comes to the Holidays. Up until the last few years, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was my favorite part of the year. Sadly, "The most wonderful time of the year" tends to get more stressful with each year. It is hard having Ainsley's birthday right before or after Thanksgiving, but we always seem to make it work.

This year we got Ainsley a swing set. My mom, Austin's parents and Austin and I all put money together to get Ainsley the absolute coolest playground ever! Sadly, I think this swing set caused way too much stress for all of us. Everyone had to let Ainsley know that they paid for a part of it or that so and so worked an hour on it. It was quite unnerving, really. Ainsley could care less who paid for it or who put it together. All she cares about is that it is in her backyard!! It reminded me of the days when my grandmother would leave the price tags on everything and include the receipt (with the price on it) with all the gifts.

Fast forward a couple of days to her party. My mom and her other grandmother got her a DS. My mom was mad. My mom buys her a swimming puppy, which her great-grandmother also happened to buy her. My dad gets her roller skates, my mother-in-law gets her roller skates. Somehow, I end up taking the hit on all of these, as if I am the Ultimate Gift Controller.

It makes me sad that we get so tied up in "stuff." And, honestly, I am upset at some of our family for taking away some of my enjoy in celebrating the birth of my only child. It is hurtful when the women are so catty about petty things.

Sometimes, with Austin's family, I feel like I am will never be good enough or will never live up to their expectations. My family has enough of it's own problems... All of our families' problems boil down to narcissism, and I really feel if we were living according to God's word, we would end the narcissism and put each other first.

So, as of December 1st, I am going to enjoy the Holidays. I am going to love my Christmas tree (even though some consider it an idol), I am going to play Santa... I am going to experience Christmas again and ignore all the family hoopla.

November 26, 2002

Today, my baby is six years old (actually, not until 7:01pm). A lot of people say that birth is a miracle, but Ainsley's birth WAS truly a miracle! In fact, at 4:15pm, exactly six years ago, I was clinically dead. I look back at that time and think about how spiritually dead I was, as well. Even though it was a rough way for Ainsley to enter the world, God knew what He was doing.

Some years this day each year has been bittersweet. A lot of anxiety surrounds the 25th and 26th of November to me. Well, I should say surrounded. I have not had a panic attack while remembering her birth this year. I still remember every vivid detail of those 2 days, but I seem to be "over" it. It is a blessed feeling.

We started the day by singing Happy Birthday and then Ainsley came up to work with me until noon. She is just such a good child. She was amazing at work, just coloring and doing her own thing. I remember when they handed her to me after she was born, I thought "Now what? How on earth am I going to do this?" She has definitely made parenting fun and easy for us. She is and always will be my baby. My precious little 7lb 1oz miracle who wasn't supposed to make it through the birth or through her heart ailments without surgery. She is a beautiful example of God's work.

A Cute Picture and Some Thoughts

My sassy little Ainsley is about to be six years old. It does not even seem possible. Six seems so big kid-like, and less toddlerish. It is amazing how fast six years goes by. I actually remember the exact moment she came into this world! She is just precious and amazing.

This weekend was wonderful. Even though I dreaded the womens' retreat because of my anti-socialness, it turned out to be wonderfully healing. There were a lot of things from the past that I needed to let go of that were driving me crazy with guilt and I think I've finally let them go. I also realized that a lot of people do care and pray for my family and me, I just have to let them in and let down the concrete wall I tend to build around myself.

I love our small group and am so thankful that God put such a fun group together. It is much better and less frightening than I thought it would be, mostly due to God's timing of starting a new one.

In terms of my health, I am working on not being so frustrated with it. In fact, I listed out every symptom, twinge, disease, etc. I had during prayer the other night and handed it over to our Saviour. I figure that He would know what to do with it, much more than I or any doctor could ever do. It feels good to release it. And today, as I would attempt to pull back my control over my health, I would re-release it, right back to Him. It is a huge step in faith for me to let it go and I know it will take some time.

However, there are some things that I can control in my health that I am going to work on.. Such as getting more sleep (6 hours is not near enough for me), eating better (I tend to eat comfort foods when I'm not feeling well), exercising again (I was doing so good until I got sick), and some other things that I need to stop doing, so that I know I've done all I can on my end for my health!

I have also decided to give up on the dream of singing. I'm a horrible singer, but since I was a child, dreamed of singing at church. I've decided that I will sing to God when it is just He and I (mostly in the car)!!! ;-)

We are getting ready for a super busy 2 months and cannot wait to get away from it all in Mexico! It is like a break from reality when we go there and we are so blessed to be able to share it with Ainsley this year. My in-laws are the best!

Mercy Me, I Have Pneumonia!

I cannot seem to find the words to describe this weekend.

Friday night, I thought would just be a fun "concert." But God had different plans for me. Somewhere in there, I found myself heavily grieving my Ne-Ne. She died so suddenly and it hurts so bad that I get these bursts of grief. I am thankful that the grief only comes in spurts because it is so incredibly painful. She was my rock, she was my mom. Even though she's been in Heaven for over a year, I still find myself picking up the phone to call her and tell her about my day. Oh, how she adored Ainsley and would be so in love with her right now. Losing both of my grandparents, my favorite people in the world, so close together is achingly hard. My Ne-Ne just could not wait to join Pa-Pa in heaven. I often have a vision of their two smiling faces looking down on all of us, even though my selfishness still wishes at least one of them were still here. Pa-Pa and Austin would have been a great pair!

Saturday morning, I woke up and still felt so horrible from the cold I had all week. Something felt "off," so I went to the clinic. When they told me I have pneumonia, it was like getting punched in the chest (well, I already felt that way to begin with). Work was calling me over and over about running a wrong commercial and I was so frustrated. I had a mini-meltdown, crying to my mom that work sucks the life out of me and I would not be so sick had I not had to go back to work. Honestly, sometimes I just think I was not bred for working. All it is to me is money. So, I get the work thing taken care of and get my boss off my back ( I DO NOT work on Saturdays and sometimes I hate that we have cell phones)!

I was feeling awful, but we had bought MercyMe tickets for $50 and I really didn't want them to go to waste or regret not going, so, God gave me enough energy to get in the shower and get there.

Austin and I laugh because I am one of those people who has to be slapped in the face by God to truly get it. MercyMe was promoting "Compassion," where you sponsor a child. For some reason, I raise my hand to receive one of the packets. It's for an 11 year old girl in Haiti with some major health problems. After we already agree that we are supposed to take care of this little girl, Austin looks in the envelope and sees that there is an update on her... She is in the hospital with pneumonia. It took my breath away.

Later in the concert, a teary Bart was talking about his son's type I diabetes and how he has to remind himself everyday that it has to, somehow, be for God's glory. Somedays, he reminds himself of that every hour. I finally got it. It is okay for me to have to remind myself that this broken body of mine must be for God's glory. I'm not a bad Christian if I have to repeat that to myself over and over. I have always felt guilty for being scared or angry when it comes to my illnesses, and I realized last night that it is okay.

So, even though I am missing my Ainsley, it was healing weekend. I never thought I could be blessed by pneumonia, but God made it happen. Going to spend the rest of the weekend taking care of this broken body of mine and loving on my husband.