New Job For Me

Same company, new job. They saved 5 out of 50 people and I somehow made the cut! Glory to God!

Our Hope Endures

So, seriously, I'm thinking of quitting this whole blog thing.

There are obvious reasons... Personal info available to the world, etc...

But, I've just noticed that recently, I do not blog about any of the positive things in our lives (and believe me, they outweigh the negative). Since I was a child, I have used writing to express my true feelings and to vent. And, I tend to save the touchy-feelies for the scrapbooks.

I have noticed that some of my blogging friends have become distant IRL "in real life," and I wonder if it's because of the stuff I post. Who knows?

So, I am going to let my dad copy the pics and posts that he wants and I'll probably be "shuttin' her down," as least to the public.

It's not like I "blog" about anything that would change the world.

Just a head's up!

I will say this: Right now, my family needs a miracle. God is leading me somewhere, but I'm not sure Austin agrees with it right now. It's tearing me in two. And, Ainsley had her worst asthma flare yet, since she was diagnosed 3 years ago. She is doing 1000% better, thankfully and back to her sassy, busy self!!

I'd like to end with this song. I heard it on the way to work the other day and I know that God wanted me to hear it. It has been on my heart ever since.

Our Hope Endures by Natalie Grant

Here is a link to listen and below are the lyrics... Who am I to think that my illness and our financial issues are the only trial God will put us through? I love that God would choose to use me.

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

My Flight Has Been Delayed/Cancelled/On Time?

Just an update on the job situation:

Monday morning, I learn that it will be another week before anything is officially announced.

Monday afternoon, a vague email is sent out to every employee. You'd have to be an idiot not to read between the lines.

Tuesday, I learn that I am probably safe and I feel completely confident and at ease.

Wednesday, I overhear the VP of the company on a phone call with my ex-boss (it was on speakerphone), and I am for certain being axed, despite the VP trying to save me.

Now, I am officially worried. Now, I officially feel sick. I know it is in God's hands. It's just so hard to lose this job.

I Am Embarrassed.

God has been laying something very heavy on my heart. Something I have always been afraid to admit to myself, much less others. And I am pretty sure that this job situation is meant for me come to terms with it and let it go.

I think it all boils down to: I am embarrassed.

I am embarrassed because I have gained so much weight.
I am embarrassed because my face is broken out with acne, despite ProActive.
I am embarrassed because I am divorced.
I am embarrassed because my daughter does not get to live with us every day.
I am embarrassed when my daughter repeatedly asks why we do not all live in the same house all the time.
I am embarrassed of the neighborhood we live in.
I am embarrassed that our cars are 12 years old and falling apart.
I am embarrassed that I have lost so many jobs.
I am embarrassed that my hair is truly gray, and I hide it with color.
I am embarrassed that my grandmother did not leave me anything, even though I thought I was the closest person to her.
I am embarrassed that my mom always chooses my sister over me.
I am embarrassed that my sister had an easy pregnancy, making it look like I was just over-dramatic.
I am embarrassed that we will probably not have anymore children.
I am embarrassed that I cannot seem to reach a point of stability in my career and that I have lost so many jobs.
I am embarrassed that I make less money now than I did right out of college, despite having 11 years experience.
I am embarrassed that I do not know more about the Bible.
I am embarrassed that I pulled Austin into this financial pit of medical bills and losing jobs.

I need to set these things aside, quit hiding and be comfortable with God has given us.

God will take of you

Ok, I am officially done with the pity party. :-) The funny thing is, even in the yuckiest part of the pity party, I knew in my heart that God will take care of us.

All of my co-workers are going to bat for me, emailing and making calls on my behalf to save my job or create a new one for me. It's really quite amazing. People that hardly talk to me or make it evident that they don't care for me, are trying to save my job.

I am blessed to finally be at a point in my faith when I can truly say that I'm not worried and I know God will take care of us.

Worst case scenario: I'll get to spend the whole summer with my Ainsley! That does not sound bad to me at all.

Best case scenario: They will create a new position for me that pays a lot more. (haha)

I've had that old hymn in my head for 2 days "God Will Take Care of You."
Be not dismayed whate'er betide,
God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide,
God will take care of you.

God will take care of you,
Thru ev'ry day, O'er all the way;
He will take care of you,
God will take care of you.

Thru days of toil when heart doth fail,
God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you.

All you may need He will provide,
God will take care of you;
Nothing you ask will be denied,
God will take care of you.

No matter what may be the test,
God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one, upon his breast,
God will take care of you.

Where Do We Go From Here?

First, I believe that God will provide for us. He always has and He always will. His timing may not always be my timing, but I know that I must obey Him, in order to further my relationship with Him and increase my faith.

It's funny how everything changes in a day. Yesterday, my mood was hopeful. I've been having excruciating menstrual cycles, to the point that I starting blacking on Monday. I am nauseated and do not eat several days before and they leave me extremely week, anemic and low in potassium. Yesterday I met with my doctor and he finally gave me a prescription for progesterone.

It seems that in my health issues, the progesterone is the final piece of the puzzle. I'm not silly. I know it's not a miracle cure, and it will take several months to get the dosage right, but according to my doctor's and my own research, it is the missing link. I was full of praise yesterday afternoon.

Today started out "normal." A couple of hours into the day, a co-worker that has been at my company for 15 years mentioned that my job might be streamlined. I did not think much of it, but the Lord told me to call the man in charge. I asked him to shoot straight with me, as I have a family to take care of. Honestly, I was fully expecting him to say "No, ding-dong. Your job is fine." Instead he said "Don't tell anyone else in the company, but we are eliminating your position company-wide. We're trying to save you, but it's not looking good. Start looking for a job."

What? At first, I was just in shock, no emotion, no anger, no frustration. This can't be happening. I FINALLY have a job that I enjoy. Austin and I are finally doing ok financially. We just paid $300 in taxes yesterday. We were able to buy new furniture. We were about to buy a car.

I needed to go for a drive, but ended up at home, physically sick. I just went to bed. Sleep is always my way of escaping any problem and my body's way of pushing the stress away.

I cried. I wished that my Pa-Pa was here to ensure me that everything was going to be okay and that he would help us out financially if we needed it. Instead, I feel like the floor has been taken out from under me and I'm falling into a bottomless hole.

Honestly, even though I know, somewhere, that it isn't my fault, I feel like I've failed Austin again and I've failed Ainsley again.

I KNOW that God has been placing my career on my heart. He's wanted me to pray for it recently. My boss being fired, etc...

I told Austin a few months ago that I could not handle losing another job. My very first job, that I LOVED, I had to quit because I was so sick when I was pregnant. My boss was amazing, electing to pay for my insurance, even though she knew it was a million dollar pregnancy and that her rates would significantly increase because of it.

My second job is where I met Austin. He left the company and they took it out on me. It turned into an ugly situation with the Texas Workforce Commission, but I left knowing that they did wrong.

My third job, I started a business with a "friend." I built her business, secured her many good clients, and then, 3 days into my radiation, she calls me and fires me. It ripped me in pieces. I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down.

It took me a long time (2 years) to get the courage to quit freelancing and look for another job. It had to be the right job. God placed me there.

I know that ultimately I will praise Him through this and after this and He will provide for us, but I am scared. I am frustrated. I am lost. I don't want to go back to counting out change to feed my child. I can't bear the thought of losing my health insurance, as it's $400 a month for me to be on Austin's.

Just trying to take tiny faithful steps, one at a time.

On The Market

So, I guess I am officially "on the market." I despise looking for a job, and I'm not sure, at all, what I am supposed to do.

My boss got fired last Monday and all of his responsibilities have been put on me. He made $300,000 a year, I don't even make 10% of that.

I took this job for my health. It's easy, I can do it in my sleep. It's low stress.

This past week and today are putting me WAAAAAAAY over the edge and I know it is not worth it.

I slept ALL weekend. Slept 10 hours a night and took 3-4 hour naps and I'm still tired! Today, I've already got eye twitching and a tension headache.

There is a job open in my field, but I know I'm supposed to get out of this industry. I balk at the thought of going back to school, but if it's what I need to do.....

ARGH! That's the word for today!

I Guess I am Quirky?

Your Colors Say You Are Quirky

When you are at peace, you are: Giving and unselfish When you are moved to act, you are: Unorthodox and idealistic When you are inspired, you are: Spontaneous and adventurous When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Connected to nature and the world Your life's purpose is: To reach enlightenment

The Ultimate Color Test