Change Will Be Good

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, to say the least.  I have hesitated blogging about it, but since most of my support system is gone, I have to have an outlet.  Plus, like 3 people read this thing, so meh... 

Last night's sermon was one of the most powerful I have ever been a part of.  I know God is answering my questions.  He is answering them so eloquently that it blows me away.  It's overwhelming at times. 

It is strange not to go to the same place on Sunday that I have for 5 years.  I like familiarity.  I struggle in new social situations and don't make friends easily, which is my own fault.  Perhaps that is why I work so well with children who have autism.  :-)  When I saw an old friend at the new church last night, I was so excited.  We have similar pasts and she has been through a lot of what I have in my life time.  I love her dearly, and it was great to worship with her again. 

I feel closer to God than I have in a very long time.  It's one of those times in life where He is all you've got and He starts piecing together the puzzle right before your eyes. 

Of course, it is hard.  All of it is hard.  I think most days I am still in shock about everything that has transpired.  It is a reminder that all you can really trust in is God.  My heart hurts, the stress has thrown me into a flare, but we will get through this. 

My husband has shown such incredible faith in this time and I am so proud of him.

Anticipation

I can't sleep tonight. Why? Because Tuesday I see an OB/GYN. Why? To find out if I should hold on our let go of the chance of bearing another child. I never thought my biological clock, or whatever it is, would be causing an inner struggle in me. I told myself before that I would never ever bear another child.

I constantly remind myself of all the things that went wrong the first time. Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Preeclampsia, Hellp Syndrome, a premature baby with three holes in her heart and a momma that had pretty severe postpartum depression.

I got my miracle, why do I want more?

Not only are there the risks of the previous pregnancy, but now I add in thyroid disease, a heart problem and I am currently fighting off pre-diabetes. When I write it out, I feel ridiculous for even considering it.

As much as I long for another child, I just don't think my body could handle it. I need a definitive answer. I've prayed and cannot distinguish God's answer from my own desires.

Will we adopt? Who knows... At this point, and for a while in the future, we certainly cannot afford the adoption process. I'm not even sure how we would feel about adopting. At this point, I want a child with my husband, which sounds incredibly selfish.

I want my precious Ainsley to have a sibling, but that is for God to decide, not me.

He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.
Praise the Lord!
Psalm 113:9

Random Thoughts and Streams of Consciousness

I wish every week was a 4 day week! I love having more time at home.

Praying, begging, pleading with God about Ainsley's appointment today.

I prefer not to think about, or deal with, the news of not being able to have more children.

God is opening my heart and filling me with Crazy Love.

I am tired of spats with my in-laws. Why is it so hard to just "get along." I feel like I will never succeed in those relationships.

Newsflash: Everything is NOT our fault!

I need to lose 20 pounds for my health, and don't know where to even start.

I realized on Saturday, that I should have been there for a friend, and I have not.

It felt good to talk to someone about things that I keep hidden so far down inside...things that never get talked about.

Still do not know what to do about our church situation. It's like the song "Do we stay or do we go now?"

If Ainsley does have this dreaded autoimmune disease, I want to stay home full-time and take care of her and help her get her health back, and teach her how to manage. I guess we would actually be teaching each other.

I do not think that anyone realizes that Nick and Linley leaving is having a huge impact on Ainsley right now. It upsets me that no one has thought of her in all of this.

Lately, I have wanted to connect with a half-sister and half-brother that I have never met before.