November 26, 2002

Today, my baby is six years old (actually, not until 7:01pm). A lot of people say that birth is a miracle, but Ainsley's birth WAS truly a miracle! In fact, at 4:15pm, exactly six years ago, I was clinically dead. I look back at that time and think about how spiritually dead I was, as well. Even though it was a rough way for Ainsley to enter the world, God knew what He was doing.

Some years this day each year has been bittersweet. A lot of anxiety surrounds the 25th and 26th of November to me. Well, I should say surrounded. I have not had a panic attack while remembering her birth this year. I still remember every vivid detail of those 2 days, but I seem to be "over" it. It is a blessed feeling.

We started the day by singing Happy Birthday and then Ainsley came up to work with me until noon. She is just such a good child. She was amazing at work, just coloring and doing her own thing. I remember when they handed her to me after she was born, I thought "Now what? How on earth am I going to do this?" She has definitely made parenting fun and easy for us. She is and always will be my baby. My precious little 7lb 1oz miracle who wasn't supposed to make it through the birth or through her heart ailments without surgery. She is a beautiful example of God's work.

A Cute Picture and Some Thoughts

My sassy little Ainsley is about to be six years old. It does not even seem possible. Six seems so big kid-like, and less toddlerish. It is amazing how fast six years goes by. I actually remember the exact moment she came into this world! She is just precious and amazing.

This weekend was wonderful. Even though I dreaded the womens' retreat because of my anti-socialness, it turned out to be wonderfully healing. There were a lot of things from the past that I needed to let go of that were driving me crazy with guilt and I think I've finally let them go. I also realized that a lot of people do care and pray for my family and me, I just have to let them in and let down the concrete wall I tend to build around myself.

I love our small group and am so thankful that God put such a fun group together. It is much better and less frightening than I thought it would be, mostly due to God's timing of starting a new one.

In terms of my health, I am working on not being so frustrated with it. In fact, I listed out every symptom, twinge, disease, etc. I had during prayer the other night and handed it over to our Saviour. I figure that He would know what to do with it, much more than I or any doctor could ever do. It feels good to release it. And today, as I would attempt to pull back my control over my health, I would re-release it, right back to Him. It is a huge step in faith for me to let it go and I know it will take some time.

However, there are some things that I can control in my health that I am going to work on.. Such as getting more sleep (6 hours is not near enough for me), eating better (I tend to eat comfort foods when I'm not feeling well), exercising again (I was doing so good until I got sick), and some other things that I need to stop doing, so that I know I've done all I can on my end for my health!

I have also decided to give up on the dream of singing. I'm a horrible singer, but since I was a child, dreamed of singing at church. I've decided that I will sing to God when it is just He and I (mostly in the car)!!! ;-)

We are getting ready for a super busy 2 months and cannot wait to get away from it all in Mexico! It is like a break from reality when we go there and we are so blessed to be able to share it with Ainsley this year. My in-laws are the best!

Mercy Me, I Have Pneumonia!

I cannot seem to find the words to describe this weekend.

Friday night, I thought would just be a fun "concert." But God had different plans for me. Somewhere in there, I found myself heavily grieving my Ne-Ne. She died so suddenly and it hurts so bad that I get these bursts of grief. I am thankful that the grief only comes in spurts because it is so incredibly painful. She was my rock, she was my mom. Even though she's been in Heaven for over a year, I still find myself picking up the phone to call her and tell her about my day. Oh, how she adored Ainsley and would be so in love with her right now. Losing both of my grandparents, my favorite people in the world, so close together is achingly hard. My Ne-Ne just could not wait to join Pa-Pa in heaven. I often have a vision of their two smiling faces looking down on all of us, even though my selfishness still wishes at least one of them were still here. Pa-Pa and Austin would have been a great pair!

Saturday morning, I woke up and still felt so horrible from the cold I had all week. Something felt "off," so I went to the clinic. When they told me I have pneumonia, it was like getting punched in the chest (well, I already felt that way to begin with). Work was calling me over and over about running a wrong commercial and I was so frustrated. I had a mini-meltdown, crying to my mom that work sucks the life out of me and I would not be so sick had I not had to go back to work. Honestly, sometimes I just think I was not bred for working. All it is to me is money. So, I get the work thing taken care of and get my boss off my back ( I DO NOT work on Saturdays and sometimes I hate that we have cell phones)!

I was feeling awful, but we had bought MercyMe tickets for $50 and I really didn't want them to go to waste or regret not going, so, God gave me enough energy to get in the shower and get there.

Austin and I laugh because I am one of those people who has to be slapped in the face by God to truly get it. MercyMe was promoting "Compassion," where you sponsor a child. For some reason, I raise my hand to receive one of the packets. It's for an 11 year old girl in Haiti with some major health problems. After we already agree that we are supposed to take care of this little girl, Austin looks in the envelope and sees that there is an update on her... She is in the hospital with pneumonia. It took my breath away.

Later in the concert, a teary Bart was talking about his son's type I diabetes and how he has to remind himself everyday that it has to, somehow, be for God's glory. Somedays, he reminds himself of that every hour. I finally got it. It is okay for me to have to remind myself that this broken body of mine must be for God's glory. I'm not a bad Christian if I have to repeat that to myself over and over. I have always felt guilty for being scared or angry when it comes to my illnesses, and I realized last night that it is okay.

So, even though I am missing my Ainsley, it was healing weekend. I never thought I could be blessed by pneumonia, but God made it happen. Going to spend the rest of the weekend taking care of this broken body of mine and loving on my husband.

After the Dr's Visit

Well, I'm allowed to go up on my thyroid hormone, however, I just have an instinctive feeling that is not the problem. My thyroid was fairly normal, for me. Iron levels, DHEA, everything else was okay.

I'm wondering if I should see my cardiologist. I'm just so freaking tired, exhausted and weak. I've been getting more skippy heart feelings, etc... It's just such a pain to be going back and forth to the dr since going back to work.

I'm just at a loss. I was so praying that this would be an easy fix. I'm so scared that it is my heart.

Thank YOU!!

I am so incredibly blessed to have the greatest in-laws ever. I have not been feeling well for a month and have been unable to keep up with housework. Today, my mother-in-law sent her cleaning ladies over and they cleaned my house from top to bottom (even the places that I dare not venture when I do clean!). I was brought to tears today when I thought about all the times they have been there for us and how they welcomed Ainsley and I into their family like we had always been a part of them. They are truly the family I always dreamed to be a part of and we are so blessed.

Thank you for being there for me throughout this entire illness and going back to work. I love you both!!!

Be Still And Know That I Am God

Since I have a new layout, I should post.

Work has gone much better than I ever expected, which is definitely an answered prayer! Ains had some problems adjusting at first, but she is happy as can be now. We are still catching up financially, but I think when I finally have my own health insurance in December, we will be in much better shape. We are tired of being poor!!

My health has held up beautifully, until sometime last week. I had noticed that "rolling downhill" feeling and now I am pretty sure that I am back to being hypo. I am getting better at riding the roller coaster, but it is still frustrating. It is such a delicate balance of meds... Not enough thryoid, off the heart medicine, too much thyroid, back on the heart medicine. Not to mention the panic attacks and tiredness. I do not freak out near as bad as I used to, but yesterday I actually fell asleep at my desk, then went to my mom's hosue and slept as my nephew and daughter ran around screaming. My mom was amazed that I slept through it. :)

I go to the doctor today, so hopefully it is just an easy adjustment of my thyroid meds. Sometimes, I think that surgery would have been better than the radiation. But, it's a done deal, looking back does no good.

The one good thing is that during these yucky times, I do grow closer to God. I usually feel so icky and down that it's just Him and me trying to work through it. I was reminded yesterday to not get anxious and panicky about my health, just to be still and let Him heal me.

Despair

I'm having such a hard time with the fact that I am going back to work full-time on Monday. I just feel it isn't right. It does not feel right, it does not taste right, it does not smell right. It's hard on my daughter. She cried this morning at school when I left her because I won't be able to take her or pick her up anymore. I won't see her everyday anymore and all this for the price of $1600 take home a month? To me, it's so not worth it, but I have to do it for my husband.

I know life isn't fair, believe me, I KNOW, but I want to be the first one each day that hears about my baby's day. I want to be room mother, I want to be the one that is able to stay home with her when she is sick. I need to see her everyday. I can't possibly go 5 days with out her. I'll lose myself.