Questions, Gifts, Frustrations, Answers

I have had a very sorry attitude lately about church. I seem to be deeply connected to God in every other facet of my life, except church. When I am there, I am restless inside, I cannot sit still. Every little thing brings me to a point of rage. It was not like this 2 months ago and I am praying for answers.

I am not sure if it is time to leave the church or stay and work through it. I feel like God is leading me to ask questions and I am trying to make sure that it isn't just me, that it is truly God leading me. He has placed these questions on my heart over and over and the strange thing is, when I go to another church that I have been led to, these EXACT questions are answered. What do I make of this?

I do feel like if I ask a question in my church, I am viewed as a trouble-maker. I have taken the spiritual gifts test (from my church) three times, and every single time, I get the results of Prophecy, Encouragement and Mercy. All within one point of each other.

What do they even mean? Am I allowed to ask such questions of our church leadership?

What is "Normal," Anyway?

God has blessed me. I absolutely love being a part of His work. He is allowing me to work with some of his most amazing creations. It is overwhelming that He loves me this much. I recently got moved from LHS to a middle school. And while it has been so hard leaving my LHS student, I put it in God's hands and have had a beautiful experience at the middle school. The teachers I work with are wonderful and now I want to stay there!!! I honestly forget that these kids are "special," or whatever label people want to call them. They are wonderful kids who have experienced so much in their short lives. I have a respect for them for the things they have endured. I love them!

A-1- She is beautiful. Her only set back is a few learning disabilities. She will be fine and live an independent life. She is a typical, girly 14 year old girl that helps out all of the other kids in the house. She is sweet and will probably be in inclusion classes when she goes to high school.

E- He was "normal" until a few years ago when he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He was riding his bike and got hit by a semi. He dances ALL the time, constantly makes jokes and claims he is his mom's favorite kid.

A-2- She looks completely "normal." She would definitely be a cheerleader if she hadn't been thrown against a wall as a baby. She has a heart of gold and adores Ainsley. She is the eldest sister of 6 girls and she is beautiful.

A-3-She is the female Napoleon. She was also born "typical." At 18 months old, her grandmother accidentally ran over her in the driveway, leaving her blind and mentally retarded. These TBI's are hard to swallow, but she reads Braille amazingly.

K-A gorgeous red-headed little girl that is learning how to drive a purple power chair. She is as cute as a button. She was born at 24 weeks, which is why she is "special needs." She loves to be around people and she loves to sing. She is precious.

M-He is autistic. Not Asperger's, but full-blown autistic. He is usually VERY serious and says weird things like "Fish Eating Crabs" or "Roger, that" and you must answer his questions with "Affirmative or Negative." He is quirky, he is big. He and I have connected (have I mentioned I LOVE autistic kids??) and even though he can be rough and he screams like a girl, he knows that I can see through that and I appreciate his world. We talk and hang out a lot during the day. He has an autistic brother at home, so his mother certainly has his hands full. He's just a big teddy bear and he knows all of the presidents of the US in order, I might add!!

L-Oh, L. He was the reason for my reassignment. He is autistic and completely unmedicated. He has been homeschooled until this year, so he has never really been around other adults or children. Before I was reassigned, he was a runner. Once, he ran 2 blocks from the school before anyone caught up with him. He is smart and loves the computer and is the loviest autistic child I have ever been around. Even though there are days when he will not allow anyone into his world, I love to hear him say "Okay, Mrs. Jones."

Oh, how I love these kids. Some days are truly like living in a nursing home or a funny farm, but I would not trade it for anything. And even though this kids are labeled as "not normal," I find it amazing that God would put them in my path. They are beautiful, special children and I cannot imagine teaching "normal" kids. I also love that Ainsley loves to spend time after school with them and wants to be there everyday. God is good!!!

Freaked Out

Ugh. I am absolutely, positively freaked out about everything (well, not EVERYTHING) right now. I do not feel "anxious," per se, more like that blank, big-eyed, pale-faced "Oh CRAP!" kind of feeling. Pretty certain that this is a whole new level of anxiety altogether (j/k).

First off... My BABY, the 7lb 1oz tiny newborn, is starting first grade on Monday. She's ready for school (she thinks that she is ready for college), but something about first grade hits me in the gut and knocks the wind out of me. This feeling is contributing to a raging case of baby fever, which is a whole other book, itself.

And then there is my school starting. I am realizing how much it is going to take away from my time with Austin, and it makes me re-think the whole thing. My saving grace in life is being home with him. I have 4 books for this semester (8 weeks!). And my thought is Oh S*&^, when I am I going to read 4 books, in EIGHT WEEKS?

And work.. Oh my.. School and work go hand in hand, since I am working on my Master's in Special Education. One think about me? I am compassionate to a fault. I see injustice in any way, shape, or form in this world and it rips my heart out. Just like when Dixie passed away. I had to retreat from her family because knowing how different their life was going to be and I felt like I had seriously had my heart ripped out. These waves of grief were much larger than the waves of grief I had experienced before. So, I digress... I am going to be working with 15-22 year -olds with severe mental retardation. So I think, "I feel so noble! I feel so proud and full." Fool is more like it. It never occured to me that these are ADULTS. Some of them cannot use the toilet on their own. They still menstruate, and coupled with the previous sentence, that's where you get that "OH CRAP!" look. Yes, I can humble myself to take care of these problems, but can I REALLY do it? Seriously? EVERY DAY? This could become my "norm?" I immediately think "No way... there is no way." And I rationalize "Well, when I get my Master's, I will be working more with Inclusion issues, not severe and profound children." Who knows if a job in that will even be available? And what if I can't do this and I don't end up finishing my degree? What if I HATE teaching? What if I can't stand the school setting? I come from an industry that has something called offices. When you can't deal anymore, you going into your own office and shut the door. I am in a tiny room with 3 other colleagues that I cannot escape from, except to go to the restroom (and they are SCHOOL restrooms. Remember what school restrooms smell like? You don't want to be there long, at all.) One of these colleagues uses the N word frequently. And of course, that word makes me want to VOMIT!!! Hello!! I am the PC police of my generation!!!
My position is maybe one step above janitor. And there is very much a hierarchy in a school setting. It doesn't matter if I am I working on my Masters. There is the same treatment (good, bad/indifferent) to the Teacher's Aide that didn't finish high school and the TA who is working on her Master's degree. Nope, not any difference.

And to boot, I have a some sort of horrid cold, flu or strep throat. Why not an actual diagnosis? Because my Cobra papers have not come in from my last job's insurance (although they say they mailed them 8/14) and my new insurance doesn't start until 9/1. Off topic: My doctor is not even going to be on my new insurance. "OH CRAP" again, because we will have to suck up the costs of that and just see him as an out of network provider. Sooooo, I refuse to pay $150 to go to the doctor if it isn't a big deal. Either way, it's not good that I am sick. I have been several months without being really sick and now, well, I'm really sick. I'm terrified.

Whew... I know a few things. My God is good and my God keeps His promises. 1. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. 2. He will not lead me off a cliff. 3. Lean on Him, embrace Him, because He is the ONLY one who is going to get me through any of this!!

I can say, in the past, that I had issues trusting God with such MAJOR life changes. Instead of leaning on him through the worst of my illness, I'd run to the ER for every little symptom, because I was terrified that God was going to let me die.

This time, though, it's all His. It's all about trust and obedience. It is not going to be easy, and that's how I KNOW it is God's work. He wants me out of my comfort zone and to work hard for Him. And so, I will do His work with enthusiasm. I prayed for God to let me do His work, and look how fast He answers? He told me it would be tough, and I guess I will soon find out if I am strong enough for His work.

God In My Radio, Again...

The God that is with you on the mountain top is the same God that is with you down in the valleys. He will not leave you to be alone.

The Armor of God

The past few weeks have been full of spiritual warfare. I do not care for that term because I honestly do not believe that the devil is out to get me (although I do work with Satan's spawn).

Anyway, God led me to this piece of scripture:

Ephesians 6:10-20 (New International Version)
The Armor of God 10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

I love this girl!

What an insane month!! Work has never been so busy, a beautiful member of my family went to be with her God, teaching VBS, having a flare-up of thyroid issues....

Even though I was feeling horribly tired and sick all week, God somehow gave me the strength to teach VBS this week. My amazingly wonderful husband joined me, even though I am pretty sure it was exhausting for him, too. All week long, I kept thinking "Why God, why does VBS have to be this week?" or "Couldn't Dixie have died NEXT week?"

I have been beyond tired. My hormones are all out of sorts. 20 kids aged 4-6 can do a number on you when you are mentally and physically drained. But God kept telling me "This is where you are supposed to be." He gave me just enough energy to make it through without having a total melt down.

Today, I was so tired getting up for work. I had a nasty headache and just 3 hours at work and I couldn't take it anymore. I came home sick and slept for two and a half hours. After picking up Ainsley, she and I took a 2 hour nap and we were late to VBS.

On the way to VBS, Ainsley talked about becoming a Christian. She has been talking about it and asking questions for months. Honestly, Austin and I thought she was much too young to be making any kind of decision like that at age six and a half. We talked about it a little more in-depth tonight and right when we pulled up to church she announced "I am ready to become a Christian."

I did some checking with our pastor (whose daughter also made the commitment at age 6) and decided that the Holy Spirit was definitely working in my baby.

We somehow found a quite time and an empty space and she prayed that beautiful prayer. Afterwards, she was shaking, but happy. And, it hit me.. "THIS is why I am supposed to be at VBS this week." (God usually has to hit me in the head).

I am praying for her this weekend. She is with her dad and I know how hard it is to be around someone that isn't so supportive in that area right after God saves you. I pray that the Lord continues to work in her big, loving, compassionate heart.

She is amazing and I don't know why God thinks I deserve such a sweet, beautiful child.

Of Love and Anger and Loss

The last few weeks have been so draining. I have needed to write out all of my feelings to get them off of my chest (and hopefully allow me to sleep better).

When my grandparents passed away, I never felt "angry." There was one day that I was angry at my grandmother, and that is because the one thing she left me was very hurtful.

This "new" grief has left me so incredibly angry. I am not angry with God, or with anyone or anything in particular, I just pissed off.

I have been lashing out at my sister and co-workers, and I find myself quickly apologizing, asking for forgiveness. I know, in my heart, that lashing out is wrong, I just do not know how to make it go away. Maybe it is just the stress and when my health reserves are replenished, things will be better.

Dixie was so sweet to me. Up until a few years ago, we were family, but we were not "close." We became close when Dixie tried to protect me from finding out that I was not in my mother's will. It was right after my grandmother died and we were turning the house upside down, looking for my grandmother's will. Dixie knew that my mom's will was in the same place and told my mom that she had better find it before I did. Dixie never told me, as I quickly figured it out on my own and my sister confirmed my suspicions. Soon after this event, I went to counseling to learn how to deal with my mom. Dixie protected me from hurt, which is something my mother never did for me.

Yes, yes, I love my mom, and my dad for that matter. However, as hard as it is to say, I love them out of obedience to God. Things were easier when I was 400 miles away from her and leaving my child with her, alone, is one of the hardest things I have to do. I appreciate my mom and know that she loves Ainsley.

Well, as much as she can love. See, my mom has narcissistic parent disorder. Does she know this or admit this? No, because she is a narcissist. Her mother was a narcissist, as well. I loved my grandmother deeply and she very much fulfilled the role of mother in my life, but it was quite dysfunctional.

Once I was in counseling, I learned tools to deal with my mom, so that I could continue to love her without getting hurt so much. I learned that my mother is not capable of empathy or sympathy. She is not capable of unconditional love. She does not purposefully do this, it is a personality disorder. Another common part of NPP is choosing one sibling over the other (which I will get to later), that I have also come to deal with. It isn't my sister's fault that my mom behaves in the ways that she does and I love my sister dearly.

Oh, but Dixie understood. She was the one member in my family that recognized that Austin and I got married. She was there for me when I was sick. She adored Austin and Ainsley. She was my proof that there was unconditional love in my family. She would build me up, not tear me down. And she knew that I did not deserve the way my mother treats me. Dixie was close to my mom, too.

I have asked the question a few times "Why Dixie?" It sounds horrible, but if you had any idea what I've been through with my mother, you'd understand the second part of the question: "Why not MY mom, instead?"

I know it is up to God. I know His timing is perfect. He spared our precious Christian sister from having to find out she had cancer and live through the horrible treatments. I am awed at the image of her sitting at the feet of her Saviour, our Saviour.

I have just been so stressed, so tired, so angry, so empty. And then today, my sister drops another bomb on me by telling me that she is moving (with her husband and child) in with my mother. It is a whole other issue, but it has to be one of the most unhealthy and marriage crushing things she could do. The first thing I learned about having a narcissistic parent is the importance of boundaries and not allowing them to be co-dependent. It's a mess, really, especially since my sister's marriage has been on the rocks for nearly 2 years.

I have realized, through the past two weeks, that there is a distinct difference between me and the rest of my family. I am believer, truster and obeyer in God. I do not do anything good myself, it is God's work. It is so hard having non-believers so close. I try to love them like Jesus loves them, even though they constantly turn their backs on Him. Sometimes I feel like I am getting to a point that I have to stop trying to convert them, and let them live with their own choices. But, the "wear your bleeding heart on your shoulder" part of me comes out and I just can't do it. I feel like I have to do everything I can to save them.

More than anything, I feel for Dixie's kids and her husband. I hate that they have to deal with the financial issues and every detail that comes along with death. I am sad that a wonderful wife and loving mother were taken away.

I am praying that I feel better, health-wise, and that God will restore me.

"But the LORD replied, "Have you any right to be angry?" " Jonah 4:4

Waves of Grief

The waves of grief you feel when a loved one passes away is an interesting process. You mostly stay in shock and disbelief until reality hits you. It only lasts a few short minutes because your mind can not handle that much sadness at once. I have always believed it is God's way of letting us slowly sink in to life without a loved one.

Sudden Passing

Today started as any other Monday. Waking up late and running around trying to get ready for work while spending quality time with my daughter.

I talked to my mom (she was keeping Ains today). Two minutes later my mom calls back and said "There's been an emergency, Dixie is dead."

Who is Dixie? Dixie was my mom's cousin, who was an aunt to me. Any major event in our lives, Dixie was there. She had a beautiful forgiving heart and was, by far, the strongest follower of Jesus in our family. Dixie was the ONLY person to give Austin and me her blessings when we got married. She was the only one who sent a card or a gift. Dixie was with us when my grandfather parted this world and comforted us a year later when my grandmother passed on.

Dixie was always dressed nicely without a hair out of place. She was known for her perfume and you knew when Dixie walked into a room because of that wonderful fragrance.

We have asked ourselves today, "Why Dixie?" Even though she had a college degree, she put off her career to take care of her family. Her husband is lost right now, and I cannot imagine the pain of losing your life-long partner. Her children, who are close to my age, have no words.

We are all in shock.

She had a picture of Ainsley on her refrigerator which reminded me just how much I love her.

Heaven has a new precious spirit.

So Little Time

That seems to be the theme of everything lately.... No time!

I love to be busy at work, from 8-5, but I don't care for the lack of down time, lately.

Ainsley started at Tega today. She will have so much fun, but it is hard to put her in daycare after she worked her rear off at school this year.

Speaking of school, I am going to graduate school in the fall, while working full time. How? God's grace. :-) I am going back to get my Masters in Special Education and my teaching certificate. This is something that God laid on my heart many years ago and everything has fallen into place recently. It will mean even more changes, but they will be temporary.

This past weekend, Austin and I had to re-tile the bathroom. I use "had" because after that experience, I would not re-tile anything unless it was in dire need. It looks great, but we are still exhausted and it was an unexpected expense.

We need a vacation. Please pray that God will provide funds so that our little family can get away, if only for a few days. We don't have to go far. Our dream would be to take Ainsley to Sea World in San Antonio this year, but with two cars on the brink, it doesn't look like it is going to happen. I need some fun, laid back time with my man and my baby. I am aching for it.

There's a Fungus Among Us

So, it is officially confirmed that I have a systemic yeast infection. It is basically a progression of autoimmune disease and supposedly after this is killed off, I will be on the other side of this mountain.

Here are the catches: I have to be on a special diet (will get to that in a moment) and an anti-fungal powder (nasty) for 3 months to 3 years. What a range, huh?

The diet?

The worst part is: NO DIET COKE!! ARGH! (Please pray I don't kill someone while weaning off of Diet Coke).

Here is the list of the No's: No sugar or artificial sweetners. No preservatives (MSG, citric acid). No canned foods, condiments, salad dressings or canned vegetables.

No frozen or canned juices. No wine, beer or any alcohol. (Can I drink ANYTHING?)

No wheat, rye, barley, breads, muffins, rolls or baked goods with those ingredients.

No MILK products. (milk, cheese (Lord, help us), yogurt, ice cream, sour cream). Turns out that I am allergic to milk. WooHoo

Nothing with vinegar in it: mustard, mayo, pickles, soy sauce, bbq sauce.

No mushrooms.

No salt unless it is sea salt.

No caffeine: No coffee, tea, chocolate (another prayer, please).

The only meat I can eat is meat that is 100% organic.

The good news is, losing that 20 pounds I talked about in my previous post, should not be a problem!! :-)

I went to Market Street, just to find stuff I can eat (Rice cakes, almond butter, Rice Milk). -- Almond butter is $10, by the way. So, I will be yeast free and broke, but I'll be skinny!!

Philippians 1:19

"I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."

I wanted a "verse of the day" today, and this came up. Oh, how my God is speaking to me.

I was going to post about my illness, how that, for the past month, it is sucking the life out of me and I am growing weary and frustrated.

Sitting here at work thinking, "WHY????" Why was I so dizzy last night that I couldn't lift my head, which made me miss fellowship with my life group? Why do I have no energy and need (not want) to sleep 15 hours a day?

I won't lie, I am frustrated. I am pissed off that it's been three years and I'm still wrestling with this on an everyday basis. I am tired of this.

I am depressed.

But, I guess somehow, "what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."

Rants, Raves and Other Stuff

1. This morning, I stopped at Market Street to get a Diet Coke. There was a man in a suit hunched over, eating a banana. I thought for a second "I know God created me, but I'm pretty sure you are a product of evolution." - Wrong, I know!

2. I'm counting down the days until we are free from Ainsley's Kindergarten teacher.

3. Apparently, it is not called "Play Day" anymore. My 6 year old has repeatedly corrected me. It is "Buddy Field Day." I'm old.

4. My daughter BETTER sing at her recital on Sunday. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is going to chicken out.

5. Seriously, I am going to lose 20 pounds this summer.

6. I have a systemic yeast infection and it really skeeves me out to think of these things growing on my organs.

7. In reference to number 4, I want to be able to wear a sleeveless shirt without people going "EWWWWWWWWWW"

8. I am the most hated person in the region right now at work. No other managers understand why I am the last lady standing and I wasn't laid off. They are all trying to make me feel guilty. In fact, the Midland manager came into town yesterday and said "My girl has been with the company 15 years and I don't understand why you are staying. You've been here 10 months." My response: "Thank you! That is just what I needed to hear. I only have 10 years experience AND a college degree, I don't know why they picked me."

9. I have a meeting next week with LCU to discuss going back to school to get my teaching certificate in Special Education. God told me that I am supposed to work with Autistic/OCD kids. So, number 7 really doesn't matter anyway. :)

10. I am so glad that God brought us the Archer family. We love hanging out with them. Nothing is funnier than Grayson coming in the living room in his tighty whities and asking where his Spiderman suit is. Makes me want to have a boy!

11. I am getting my hair done today. I was printing out pictures and a girl at work said I look just like Lisa Loeb. (--Maybe 20 pounds ago).

Forgiveness is a Gift?

Throughout my life, I can say that I forgave out of obedience. I never got anything from it, and thought of it as a selfless act for God.

Today, that all changed.

Two years, a close friend of mine tore my heart out. We had built a business together and I was about to become a partner in the business. She was going through some stuff and I was just learning how sick I was. Three days into radiation, she called me and said she wanted to part ways. I had never felt such devastation in my life. I had officially lost it all.

I had not talked to her since then.

God had been putting her in my heart lately, but I brushed it off.

Today came the opportunity to see her again for the first time, and when we hugged, I realized how much I have missed her. It wasn't a fake hug or fake words, it was all from the heart and it was amazing. We laughed together and joked like we used to.

I had finally forgiven.

What a gift to let go and TRULY forgive and forget. Not holding any feelings hostage, just letting them all go.

I cannot wait to see her again!

Thank you, Lord, for teaching me about true forgiveness and for bringing her back into my life.

New Job For Me

Same company, new job. They saved 5 out of 50 people and I somehow made the cut! Glory to God!

Our Hope Endures

So, seriously, I'm thinking of quitting this whole blog thing.

There are obvious reasons... Personal info available to the world, etc...

But, I've just noticed that recently, I do not blog about any of the positive things in our lives (and believe me, they outweigh the negative). Since I was a child, I have used writing to express my true feelings and to vent. And, I tend to save the touchy-feelies for the scrapbooks.

I have noticed that some of my blogging friends have become distant IRL "in real life," and I wonder if it's because of the stuff I post. Who knows?

So, I am going to let my dad copy the pics and posts that he wants and I'll probably be "shuttin' her down," as least to the public.

It's not like I "blog" about anything that would change the world.

Just a head's up!

I will say this: Right now, my family needs a miracle. God is leading me somewhere, but I'm not sure Austin agrees with it right now. It's tearing me in two. And, Ainsley had her worst asthma flare yet, since she was diagnosed 3 years ago. She is doing 1000% better, thankfully and back to her sassy, busy self!!

I'd like to end with this song. I heard it on the way to work the other day and I know that God wanted me to hear it. It has been on my heart ever since.

Our Hope Endures by Natalie Grant

Here is a link to listen and below are the lyrics... Who am I to think that my illness and our financial issues are the only trial God will put us through? I love that God would choose to use me.

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

My Flight Has Been Delayed/Cancelled/On Time?

Just an update on the job situation:

Monday morning, I learn that it will be another week before anything is officially announced.

Monday afternoon, a vague email is sent out to every employee. You'd have to be an idiot not to read between the lines.

Tuesday, I learn that I am probably safe and I feel completely confident and at ease.

Wednesday, I overhear the VP of the company on a phone call with my ex-boss (it was on speakerphone), and I am for certain being axed, despite the VP trying to save me.

Now, I am officially worried. Now, I officially feel sick. I know it is in God's hands. It's just so hard to lose this job.

I Am Embarrassed.

God has been laying something very heavy on my heart. Something I have always been afraid to admit to myself, much less others. And I am pretty sure that this job situation is meant for me come to terms with it and let it go.

I think it all boils down to: I am embarrassed.

I am embarrassed because I have gained so much weight.
I am embarrassed because my face is broken out with acne, despite ProActive.
I am embarrassed because I am divorced.
I am embarrassed because my daughter does not get to live with us every day.
I am embarrassed when my daughter repeatedly asks why we do not all live in the same house all the time.
I am embarrassed of the neighborhood we live in.
I am embarrassed that our cars are 12 years old and falling apart.
I am embarrassed that I have lost so many jobs.
I am embarrassed that my hair is truly gray, and I hide it with color.
I am embarrassed that my grandmother did not leave me anything, even though I thought I was the closest person to her.
I am embarrassed that my mom always chooses my sister over me.
I am embarrassed that my sister had an easy pregnancy, making it look like I was just over-dramatic.
I am embarrassed that we will probably not have anymore children.
I am embarrassed that I cannot seem to reach a point of stability in my career and that I have lost so many jobs.
I am embarrassed that I make less money now than I did right out of college, despite having 11 years experience.
I am embarrassed that I do not know more about the Bible.
I am embarrassed that I pulled Austin into this financial pit of medical bills and losing jobs.

I need to set these things aside, quit hiding and be comfortable with God has given us.

God will take of you

Ok, I am officially done with the pity party. :-) The funny thing is, even in the yuckiest part of the pity party, I knew in my heart that God will take care of us.

All of my co-workers are going to bat for me, emailing and making calls on my behalf to save my job or create a new one for me. It's really quite amazing. People that hardly talk to me or make it evident that they don't care for me, are trying to save my job.

I am blessed to finally be at a point in my faith when I can truly say that I'm not worried and I know God will take care of us.

Worst case scenario: I'll get to spend the whole summer with my Ainsley! That does not sound bad to me at all.

Best case scenario: They will create a new position for me that pays a lot more. (haha)

I've had that old hymn in my head for 2 days "God Will Take Care of You."
Be not dismayed whate'er betide,
God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide,
God will take care of you.

God will take care of you,
Thru ev'ry day, O'er all the way;
He will take care of you,
God will take care of you.

Thru days of toil when heart doth fail,
God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you.

All you may need He will provide,
God will take care of you;
Nothing you ask will be denied,
God will take care of you.

No matter what may be the test,
God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one, upon his breast,
God will take care of you.

Where Do We Go From Here?

First, I believe that God will provide for us. He always has and He always will. His timing may not always be my timing, but I know that I must obey Him, in order to further my relationship with Him and increase my faith.

It's funny how everything changes in a day. Yesterday, my mood was hopeful. I've been having excruciating menstrual cycles, to the point that I starting blacking on Monday. I am nauseated and do not eat several days before and they leave me extremely week, anemic and low in potassium. Yesterday I met with my doctor and he finally gave me a prescription for progesterone.

It seems that in my health issues, the progesterone is the final piece of the puzzle. I'm not silly. I know it's not a miracle cure, and it will take several months to get the dosage right, but according to my doctor's and my own research, it is the missing link. I was full of praise yesterday afternoon.

Today started out "normal." A couple of hours into the day, a co-worker that has been at my company for 15 years mentioned that my job might be streamlined. I did not think much of it, but the Lord told me to call the man in charge. I asked him to shoot straight with me, as I have a family to take care of. Honestly, I was fully expecting him to say "No, ding-dong. Your job is fine." Instead he said "Don't tell anyone else in the company, but we are eliminating your position company-wide. We're trying to save you, but it's not looking good. Start looking for a job."

What? At first, I was just in shock, no emotion, no anger, no frustration. This can't be happening. I FINALLY have a job that I enjoy. Austin and I are finally doing ok financially. We just paid $300 in taxes yesterday. We were able to buy new furniture. We were about to buy a car.

I needed to go for a drive, but ended up at home, physically sick. I just went to bed. Sleep is always my way of escaping any problem and my body's way of pushing the stress away.

I cried. I wished that my Pa-Pa was here to ensure me that everything was going to be okay and that he would help us out financially if we needed it. Instead, I feel like the floor has been taken out from under me and I'm falling into a bottomless hole.

Honestly, even though I know, somewhere, that it isn't my fault, I feel like I've failed Austin again and I've failed Ainsley again.

I KNOW that God has been placing my career on my heart. He's wanted me to pray for it recently. My boss being fired, etc...

I told Austin a few months ago that I could not handle losing another job. My very first job, that I LOVED, I had to quit because I was so sick when I was pregnant. My boss was amazing, electing to pay for my insurance, even though she knew it was a million dollar pregnancy and that her rates would significantly increase because of it.

My second job is where I met Austin. He left the company and they took it out on me. It turned into an ugly situation with the Texas Workforce Commission, but I left knowing that they did wrong.

My third job, I started a business with a "friend." I built her business, secured her many good clients, and then, 3 days into my radiation, she calls me and fires me. It ripped me in pieces. I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down.

It took me a long time (2 years) to get the courage to quit freelancing and look for another job. It had to be the right job. God placed me there.

I know that ultimately I will praise Him through this and after this and He will provide for us, but I am scared. I am frustrated. I am lost. I don't want to go back to counting out change to feed my child. I can't bear the thought of losing my health insurance, as it's $400 a month for me to be on Austin's.

Just trying to take tiny faithful steps, one at a time.

On The Market

So, I guess I am officially "on the market." I despise looking for a job, and I'm not sure, at all, what I am supposed to do.

My boss got fired last Monday and all of his responsibilities have been put on me. He made $300,000 a year, I don't even make 10% of that.

I took this job for my health. It's easy, I can do it in my sleep. It's low stress.

This past week and today are putting me WAAAAAAAY over the edge and I know it is not worth it.

I slept ALL weekend. Slept 10 hours a night and took 3-4 hour naps and I'm still tired! Today, I've already got eye twitching and a tension headache.

There is a job open in my field, but I know I'm supposed to get out of this industry. I balk at the thought of going back to school, but if it's what I need to do.....

ARGH! That's the word for today!

I Guess I am Quirky?

Your Colors Say You Are Quirky

When you are at peace, you are: Giving and unselfish When you are moved to act, you are: Unorthodox and idealistic When you are inspired, you are: Spontaneous and adventurous When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Connected to nature and the world Your life's purpose is: To reach enlightenment

The Ultimate Color Test

Oh Good Grief...

The boss is already angry. Somehow, it's always taken out on me, even though the source has nothing to do with me.

Please pray for guidance in my career. I think I'm supposed to go back to school, but don't know for sure yet.

No, We're Not Pregnant

But, I have picked out the perfect boy name if we are ever blessed with another child. I'm not posting it, though, as some crazy pregnant women like to steal names. :) :)

Oh, my, do I have baby fever! I took a silly baby fever test and here is what is said:
25-30 Thermometer reading: 101 F. You’re burning up with baby fever! The only sure cure is to get busy trying to conceive.

I scored a 26. I'm sure that the idea of having the copper IUD removed takes off a few points.

Argh. If only adoption was free....

Random Thoughts

I am looking forward Holy Week this year. I pray that the Holy Spirit is renewed within me.

My daughter was chosen to speak a part during the Kindergarten performance tonight, and I have never been prouder. She is amazing and there is something so incredibly special about her. She has an old and forgiving soul. I love her.

My husband is amazing. I had a full on mental breakdown (will get to that later) earlier this week and he just held me. I don't know why God gave me such a caring husband. He is my piece of Jesus of here on earth.

I hate the Atkins diet. I LOVE carbs. I used to be a vegetarian, which was an anti-protein diet. It churns my stomach to think that I HAVE to eat so much meat. Barf! Peanut butter is only good for a few days before you start to hate it, too.

My mom has lived in my grandparents' house since they both went to Heaven. She recently had the front of the house completely redone, in a completely different color. Today, when I picked up Ainsley, it was the first time that it hit me that it's not their house anymore. My sister and I had strong opinions against my mom living in that house, but she's making it her own. I'm proud for her.

I have an eye infection and have to put antibiotic ointment in it. It's totally gross and makes my vision blurry. I spent an ten minutes cleaning my glasses before realizing that it was the ointment in my eye, not a spot on my glasses.

I am getting frustrated with Hashimoto's Disease. I want to kick it in the ass. As much as I hate to say it, the truth is, I'm starting to give up hope that I will ever "recover." It's a freaking roller coaster of physical and mental symptoms and I am running out of coping skills. I don't even pray for healing anymore, just that I have the energy to go to work and take care of my family. Recently, I've felt too bad to do either. I am frustrated that I happen to have a disease that attacks you mentally and physically. It doesn't help that my hormones are all jacked up, too. It's like being pregnant, having PMS and menopausal all at the same time.

I hate when my boss says "I feel bad for you because you have major medical problems." I don't want pity, I want to feel better.

I've started talking with an old friend who hurt me during the hardest time in my life. God wanted me to initiate friendship with her again, but I'm not sure I've forgiven her.

Ainsley goes to school with 4 of the same kids she went to preschool with. They have all known each other since they were 2 and a half and are a very close group. It is amazing to see them grow. I pray that they are the kind of group that will always be friends. They are all so different, but precious, special children.

I wish that people put as much into Easter as they do for Christmas. As Christians, shouldn't Easter be the time when we get a week off of work and celebrate? It's OUR day, as Christians, and I'm not sure how a giant bunny that breaks into your house fits into Jesus' Resurrection.

I'm still working on the "Experiencing God" Bible study. My Pastor did an awesome thing by recommending it to me. It's like he knew what I was going through without me giving him all the gory details.

The part I did last night really hit home. It was about praying that God helps you understand your circumstances and the other half of the story, instead of crying out the "why me's?" I'm definitely past the "why me" stage, but I do go through these times when I'm frustrated.

I love those nights when Austin and I sit at the computer and listen to music. We usually end up finding stuff we've never heard before. We waste hours doing this sometimes.

I love reading the Bible. There is not a sentence in there that is not perfection.

"But when Jesus heard about it he said, "Lazurus's sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this." - John 11:4

Use this sickness, Lord for YOUR glory!

My Three Favorite Peeps

Ainsley FINALLY got back. Too bad she brought the flu with her. The blessing in disguise: she made it through the flu with out any major asthma problems, pneumonia, or a hospital stay! YAY! Her pediatrician was very impressed.

We've just been hanging out the past couple of days, as Ainsley has been exhausted (she slept until 11am on Sunday, which is a first for her).

Here is a picture of my monkey family:

And another of Princess Ainsley and Brady playing yesterday: (I swear these two could pass for siblings).

Don't Take The Road I Took, Sister

I am at a place, a yucky place. A place where I don't know if I should intervene or just let it be. I am very concerned for my sister, her husband and most importantly, my sweet nephew. I just want her to know that I am not judging her or her actions, but trying to show her THE Light. A marriage will not work if you do not lay yourselves down completely before God and each other. They are at that six to seven year mark where so many marriages fail, where I failed the first time. I know that God is the only one who can truly intervene in their marriage, but I also know that they are not at a point where they can listen to Him.

What do I do? He has health problems, she is unsupportive. She emasculates him and doesn't respect him. He walks all over her and says cruel things. It is like watching my life 5 years ago unfold AGAIN before my eyes. It is painful and they will never understand how it affects everyone else, because they can't see past their own skin. She is too good to go to counseling or to listen to me. He has just completely shut down, scared to be in his own skin.

Lord, please intervene. Please open their eyes and crush their stubborn hearts. Break them and build them. Please don't let them get to a point where they hate each other so much that they do not think of how it is affecting their child. The child YOU gave them, Father. They need You, they need You to crush the narcissism, to heal the disease. God, please help them. I cannot bear to see my nephew hurt in the same ways that my daughter hurt. Protect my nephew, Lord. Lord, guide me in what you want me to do in the situation.

It's like having all of the answers to a test, but you can't speak or write.

Ainsley

The first picture is just, plain 'ol Ainsley Sass!

The second one is when she lost her tooth a month ago. :) I just haven't posted the picture! Those blue eyes melt me!!

While she is out of town this week, I am going to try to work out EVERY day! We'll see how it goes!

I'm having one of THOSE days. We got up late, at 7:30, 15 minutes before Ainsley has to be at school.

Then, I step on the scale... I've GAINED 8 pounds since amping up my workout? This is frustrating me to no end!!!

Third, I get to work (on time, miraculously) and the 'ol office hags are whispering, glancing at me, whispering. This is a daily occurence, as there have been a couple of people here for 10+ years and they think they own the place, and I've come in and streamlined things... They hate that I "do things different." It's been 8 months, GET OVER IT!!!!

And, lastly, we have a stinking wedding and rehearsal dinner to go to this weekend. I would usually look forward to the occasion, except Ainsley was supposed to go. We told everyone that Ainsley was going. Now my ex-husband is taking her to Houston for 8 days, and she's not going. And the whole night will be "Where is Ainsley? Where is Ainsley?" and I'll have to be reminded 100 times that things are different with us and I don't get to have my daughter every day.

Lately, this has been excrutiating for me. I often feel like Ainsley does not get invited by friends to do things because of the custody situation. That people don't want to "subject" their kids to it.

Ok, I'm done venting and will focus on the blessings for the rest of the day. :)

Whew, I did it!!!

Since taking this job, I have felt a real calling to do SOMETHING with these women here. Most of them are not Christian, or, if they are, they do not walk with Christ. I have been doing the "Experiencing God" study and it has really changed me. After praying last night, I discovered that God wants me to start a Bible study with these women. They are all young, professional and all are either married and/or have kids. I chose "Victoriously Frazzled" as the study, since it's fun and pretty easy to lead.

I sent the email out about 30 minutes ago... I'm praying that at least someone will respond and that I will not get persecuted for following God. This job has been a true test of my faith, as most of these women are catty and some are just cruel. UPDATE: One girls has responded, the only one that shares faith with me.

On another note, here are some fun pictures. The first one is of Ainsley on the day she lost her first tooth. It was a couple of weeks ago, and we have since cut her hair to her chin, so I'll try to get a new pic of her this week!

The second one is of our dog, Macy. She went into heat before we got her scheduled to be spayed. I have never had the joy of dealing with a dog in heat, and those stupid doggie diapers were the biggest waste of $10 I've ever spent. Desperate times call for creative measures. I took a pair of Ainsley's Curious George panties, cut a hole for the tale, stuck an extra long maxi pad in them, and VOILA... It worked!

My Boss Called Me Stupid

So, I broke out the old IQ Test. Why I care, I don't know... Just wanted to make sure that I am not clinically "stupid."

Please pray for my career. I feel God leading me in another direction and I can't get there fast enough.

Proud Mama!

God has blessed me far beyond what I ever thought was possible. He constantly reminded me when I was pregnant and so sick and even when I coded, that this child would be worth it all.

She has grown so much over the past few months (not height-wise, as she's STILL small), but in her personality. She is HILARIOUS (the other night she gave us her own American Idol audition which I will post the video to later), she is super smart and she is the most loving person I know. She loves so hard and with all of her heart.

This morning, she was on the announcements and since I couldn't be there, her Dad called so Austin and I could listen in. Her little voice is so confident. The Assistant Principal was playing the Aggie song (apparently the Aggies won last night), and Ainsley had to deliver the "thought of the day" after the Aggie song. So, she her part "A place for everything and everything in its place," and then shouts out a hugs "GO TEXAS TECH!" Of course, every adult in the office was laughing at her non-provoked taunting.

We also found out today that her teacher wants to give her an intelligence test. Ainsley has been extremely bored with the work in Kindergarten this year. I would not normally BOAST about intelligence, but she was preemie with heart and breathing problems that wasn't expected to even live. I did not take a single prenatal vitamin (except the ones they gave me via IV). She had very little oxygen through the birth process, she didn't walk until she was a year and a half old and had horrible reflux.

Anytime I get down, I look at my living miracle and just feel so blessed. Her sweet personality and her smarts are just icing on the cake!

Mental Health Day?

Ok, so I played hookie from work today and invited Austin to join with me. Our house has been a wreck since Christmas and I just am not feeling all that great these days and wanted to spend a whole day with him. I was tempted to call Ainsley in, also, but resisted, knowing I wouldn't get anything done that way.

I took the route of lying. I called in and said that Ains was sick. That's horrible, I know, but my work expects me to be there when I am sick, unless I am in a hospital bed. Austin took the honest route.. saying that he was just taking the day off to do things around the house. Well, guess which one is going to work this afternoon? Not me! I'm so frustrated. His work is a blessing, but drives me bonkers sometimes. It seems that he covers for his co-worker ALL the time because something is ALWAYS going on with him and he's not at work, but my husband can't take one stinking day off with out everyone freaking out.

I am glad my boss has the same philosophy as me when it comes to advertising... "We're not curing cancer here, people." Throughout my 10 year career, I have always established boundaries with my employers, clients, co-workers, etc. letting them know that my family always comes first. Sure, it's lost me a couple of jobs, but in the end, I do my work much better when I know things are taken care of home.

So, here's to my mental health day.